Hi. This is all about me, and you have no reason to listen. It's very boring, honestly. Maybe you have a benefit, depending on what you call it. But psychology, is kind of making living harder. For me.
I'm 11, and I'm taking a junior high school exam, which I probably won't pass. When I was in fourth grade, I really wanted to, uh, how do I put this neatly..I wanted to dissapear. The reason I am alive now is because I didn't want to feel that wrecking, twisted pain. It's not about bullying. Oh, sure, it coud be bullying, but in this case it's mostly my fault. Well, I went to America for two years, and I came back here. I had a enjoyable time there..everyone says hi, and it was probably the most human place I've visited in my life, even if my life is 11 years so far. <OPINION> I came back, to Japan. I think Japan and America are very different, like two sides of faces. In here, some, or maybe most of people think saying hello to a stranger is weird. Because I have a non-Japanese face and I look slightly unsettling (because of my eyes, people say. I get the feeling, but how do I fix them?) and it's kind of lucky to get a hello back. Also, I went to school, of course, and on the first day, I cried there. Well, I don't exactly remember why, but it was probably of the difference. And I thought, "To blend in and live here, I have to be like japanese person." This is my theory, but I think that "Japanese person" I had in mind was this wretched guy I became when I was 10. And of course, people don't like wretched guys. I mean, I don't like wretched guys, whatever they are...but I don't have a single person I dislike, and I don't like it. Anyways, so the students here kind of bullyed me and stuff. Well, in my class, people likes to say "this person did ---- right? It's crazy, I know right?" from what I observe. That ended up me thinking that I want to dissapear for a year...maye a short time for adults, but it was endless for me. I really wanted to dissapear. I feared pain, and that was the only thing that stopped me from dissapearing on purpose. But at 5th grade, I realised the wretched me. And I started to shift, change..maybe because of my teacher, who had a bright, firing personality. At 6th grade, most of the students there stopped talking about me, as long as I think. And they've accepted me, but there are still wretched guys who likes kind of bad mouthing people... That's when psychology hit me. I don't know why, but I'm not afraid of my life ending. I accepted it, at 11. I started to think there was no right or wrong...I mean, that's what humans labled, right? Animals never think about the meaning of life, or about heroicness. I found out later this was called nihilisam and subjectivism. That really flipped my life around, I think. Now I don't have that standard pillar inside their minds, where they state that this is wrong and this is right. I lost that thing...Well, I agree with this is "bad" and stuff you know what, but I'm just floating around. My mind is open, too open. That makes making dissisions harder...don't you think so? Now I don't say, "this is right" or "this is wrong" but now I always say "I think this is right" or "I think that s wrong" or "at least that's what I think". It's weird, and I COULD say it in the statement like way, but I don't bother. I can't dislike a single person...I think "that person is disgusting" or "that person is being rude" but it doesn't bring me to hate them. It's weird. Really weird. Is anyone else like this, or am I alien here? Because, my eyes have changed, and I have this unsettling but yet kind of gentle and weird gaze but scary or something..I don't know how to fix it. I can't behave like the other kids. I'm thinking about the end of my life, and psuchology and all these stuff at 11...my parents told me it was amazing, but is it, if I there is nothing really good here if I'm thinking about it? Sure, I could be kind..but people think this is a "valuable" thought but why? thinking about it doesn't do anything, right? It's..meaningless. Oh, there comes that word. I kind of think everything is meaningless, and humans put beatiful meanings about love and friendship..I think it's a good thing, but it's all instinct. All just human instinct... I'm weird. That's all. thank you for reading, and I'm pretty sure my desciribing of my life is un-understandable here, and you won't understand the way I think..but it's just a share of a thought.
