just came back from a 3 week vacation and HOLY CRAP do i have so much work that i have to do in LESS THAN A WEEK i have 3 WEEKS WORTH OF EXRA HARD MATH COMP PREP HW TO DO, PLUS I HAVE TO FINISH THIS MATH COURSE 3 GRADE LEVELS ABOVE MY GRADE, PLUS I NEED TO GET BACK INTO A GOOD SLEEP SCHEDULE AND MAKE SURE I'M READY FOR SCHOOL BECAUSE THEN I'LL BE TOO BUSY PLUS IN NOVEMBER I HAVE A MATH COMP AND EVERYONE IS EXPECTING ME TO DO WELL AND I AM SO NOT READY FOR IT AND I AM GOING TO SCORE SO HORRIBLY I KNOW IT AND IT'S A FACT AND I'LL HAVE *EVEN MORE* WORK TO DO AFTER SCHOOL STARTS, NOT JUST SCHOOL BUT I'LL BE DOING MATH CLASSES AGAIN AND OHHH I HATE IT sigh don't worry, i'm fine. (maybe. i think. i hope. actually i'm not so sure anymore.) i may be less active because i'm busy, but i don't want to quit. it's just. from kindergarten, my parents have put me through extra math classes so i can get ahead. and they do it for a good purpose. they want me to have a good future and have lots of opportunities. but i feel.... not cut out for it. i hate work. i hate it. i hate having lots to do. i want to be normal. and things have been speeding up. my competitors have been pulling ahead. and i'm slowing down. and i don't know what to do about it. i know i have to be self motivated for this to work long term, but i'm not. i'm not self motivated. at all. i do the math because if i don't, my parents will be mad at me. and i have a reputation to hold among my friends and classmates as the "good at math" kid. but i don't want to do it. i just don't want to. i know that this is good for me. that if i'm self motivated, i can do it. i can have a good future. but i can't. i don't know why, i just can't. i've run out of steam. or maybe i didn't have any in the first place; that it was all my parents, pushing my little train along. but now, i have some responsibility too. it's not like when i was little. but i don't. and i'm scared. scared because my parents will be mad at me scared because my peers will start doubting me scared because i don't want my future to be uncertain scared because i don't want to fail. that's the thing. i don't want to fail. i want to keep my parents happy. i really, REALLY want to succeed. but i don't want to work for it. isn't that what everyone wants? to succeed without work? yes, i guess. but... i'm fine with working. what i'm not fine with is being forced to go at a speed that i can't go. i want to go my own pace, but i can't. maybe i'm destined to fail. i don't know why i'm ranting. maybe i just had to tell someone but can't say it out loud because i'm pathetic like that. idk. i'll stop now. thanks for reading all the way. sorry for boring you.
