Breathe in. Breathe out. Repeat this step. In. Out. 'It was either him or me.' Tord exhaled, slowly turning around, walking off hesitantly, staring at his hands, clutching them into fists and staring up at the ceiling, exhaling shakily. Hesitantly. 'It...It was either him or me.' He walked towards his desk, leaning over it, clutching it so tightly he felt like he would break it, taking another few breaths. In. Out. 'It was either him or me.' What good is repeating something over and over in his head going to do? It surely wasn't helping. It wasn't /going/ to help. It was just making him feel worse. In. Out. It hurts. Why does it hurt? Tord swallowed, his chest feeling tight, closing his eye, looking down at the ground, exhaling slowly. This is fine. It's /fine./ /Everything's fine./ Tord turned towards Tom quietly, reaching out, before his hand clutched into a fist, and he pulled it back to him, looking at the desk quietly. Everything's... .... No. No. This isn't fair. Tord didn't sign up for this. He didn't want to be the Red Leader. He didn't want to be this. Why'd he ever grab the giant robot? For pride? To get rid of friends who would've accepted him back into the house? He threw away everything. Every memory, every bit of friendship, teamwork, everything that he once had with the others. And for /what/? To go to Paul and Patryk and focus on leading the red army to take over the world? What's wrong with him? He's known Edd, Tom, and Matt longer. Why'd he want power? Why was he so selfish? What's wrong with him? Tord glanced down at his hands, realizing they were shaking. He blinked back tears, staring at the ground for a second. No. No, no, he's not doing this. He's making himself look weak. Pathetic. He looked at the ceiling, blinking back more tears, clutching his hands into fists. Maybe. Maybe that sore, aching, agonizing pain was something that was there because he deserved it. Tord sighed, turning towards Tom again. The way he just laid there. Unmoving. Tord swallowed, walking towards him slowly, before noticing Patryk coming down the hallway, staring at the open door. "Sir? What happened? Why are you wearing a-" "Can you take him to the medical center?" Tord said, cutting Patryk off before he could finish his sentence. Patryk shut his mouth instantly, his eyes dropping down towards Tom. He looked like he wanted to say something else, but he kept his mouth shut, slowly picking Tom up, carefully, but with practiced ease, not saying anything else as he turned around, walking off. Tord watched him leave, before looking down at the ground like it held all the answers to his stupid questions. He took a short breath, running his fingers through his hair. Breathe in. Hold it. Breathe out. Wait. Repeat this step. In. Hold. Out. Wait. He couldn't get the shaking to stop. He couldn't get the panicking to stop. He couldn't drown out anything. He hated it. HE HATED THIS. WHY DOESN'T IT JUST STOP? "Tord?" Edd's voice snapped Tord out of his spiraling, and he looked up at his ex-friend. "Hey." Edd smiled slightly, looking around. "I'm gonna guess Tom hasn't found you yet?" He asked, tilting his head. Tord's breathing hitched, but he swallowed it back down. "No." He answered, staring at Edd quietly. Edd didn't look...mad. Didn't look upset. Just...relieved. It made Tord feel worse, for some reason. Tord didn't want to go into Edd's arms and cry and sob and beg desperately to go home. He felt horrible. It was because of him this whole thing had started. It was because of him Tom hated him more. It was because of him their house and car was destroyed. So why does Edd stand here now? Looking so forgiving? So...calm? He's not yelling at Tord. Not demanding anything. They're just...staring at each other. Not knowing exactly what to say. Tord expected Edd to just turn around, leave at any second. But the way he just stood there. Expecting something. Tord stood there, swallowing. Edd stared at him a moment longer, before blinking. "...Should I--" Tord nodded, looking down. "You'll get in trouble if you stay here, anyway." He muttered. For some reason, he just wanted Edd to leave. It was just much better when they weren't looking for him. When they weren't looking to forgive or just be there for Tord. It's too much things to stress. And despite the work that Tord would have to do either way, he hates it all the more. He swallowed, looking down. Edd rushed forward, wrapping his arms around Tord- making him flinch, his breathing hitching. He didn't hug back. He wouldn't. He glanced at Edd, trying to fight back the tears. Tord shoved Edd off of him after a second. Edd staggered backwards, staring at him in heartbreak, before looking down. "R-Right.." He mumbled, turning around, starting to walk off. "Sorry, Tord. We'll go home." Tord stood there, his hands dropping to his sides. "...Red Leader." He corrected quietly. Edd didn't stop- but Tord heard the way he winced like the name personally hurt him.
(continued) Tord hated how he wanted to create a time machine and stop what happened, just remove the robot completely and just never leave in the first place. Maybe the friendship could've stayed. Friendship could've been more important. It should've been. But now he's got to take this punishment. He did this to himself. It's pathetic, really. Tord closed his eye, rubbing it, exhaling shakily. Stupid. STUPID. He should be happy he's got all this power, soldiers to stand by his side, what more could he ask for? He thinks back to what he's done to Tom. 'It was either him or me.' He thought again, before biting his lips, finally letting tears fall, looking at the ceiling. 'God, it should've been me.'
