"Get a grip. GET. A. GRIP. It's fine! You're fine-I'm fine! Everything's going to be fine! Everything's going to get better, and then this nightmare will have ended, and this entire thing will go back to normal. But, that can't happen, if you don't get a grip." Tord growled, staring at his reflection in the mirror. Why was he talking to himself? He didn't know. He wasn't going to ask about it. He stared at the reflection for another few seconds, blinking a few times, trying to blink back tears. "Right." He exhaled slowly, backing away, adjusting his helmet, turning towards the door, making sure it was locked, before glancing at the clock. 3:54PM. It's been two hours now. Tord sighed, covering his face, rubbing it, wincing slightly. He hated this aching, just feeling like it was going to drown him completely in the pain. It felt worse now. He looked at the ceiling. His office was dark, the only light coming from the bathroom. He forgot to turn it off. He didn't care. Tord exhaled slowly, pacing around his room, his breathing quickening. What does he do now? He doesn't know. There's no work to do in here, and he doesn't wanna just...walk out. Paul was out there. Patryk was out there. His soldiers were out there working, busy. Awaiting a command to actually do something interesting. Tord used to always do anything for work, stay busy. Keep his mind away from any thoughts that might keep him from doing other things. Keep himself from being vulnerable. ... He failed at that, didn't he? ...He's been failing at that. That's stupid. Pathetic. This whole...plan for power was a mistake. What good did being the 'Red Leader' do? Nothing. It made nothing better. It changed nothing. Other than... He exhaled slowly. He just needs to stop thinking about it, overall. Close his mind to it. That's easier than it sounds. How could he numb himself down so much after everything he's been through? Does he just need to-- He paused, blinking. No. No, he's not a fool. ... Tord glanced at a wall. This isn't doing anything good, either. Lying to himself. Pretending. They chose their leader wrong. Tord can't lead them through this. Can't 'take over the world' when he feels like- like /this/. He's not even going to pretend that it's a stupid dream. It's not. It's real. And he hates that it's real. He wishes that this was just a horrible nightmare that made his chest ache, his bones ache. He wishes it was just a nightmare that /felt/ real. ... But even that...hurts. How could a nightmare like this be so...cruel to him? Tord exhaled slowly, hesitantly. 'Stop...just stop thinking about it. Just...stop. You can't change. You can't just...feel regret for what happened when you did it. That's not how it's supposed to go. You're the one who's supposed to love this power. You're the one who's not supposed to care- who's supposed to be able to get your way without a third try. Without a plan.' He thought, sighing shakily, his chest feeling tight, before he forced a smile. 'You're Tord! The Red Leader! The...' His breathing hitched, quickening slightly, before he swallowed it down, looking at the ground. '...The...villain.' ... Right...this isn't his path to change. He brought himself through this, planned it out. His army- his men- they've done their part. He's been failing to do his, and that's stupid. It's weak. It's pathetic. He's stupid. He's weak. He's pathetic. "Stop it." He hissed to himself. "Just stop it. What are you on about-? Keep thinking like this you'll end up--" He stopped before he finished, looking around his room. He didn't know why he was. He never knew the exact reason he did anything. At least...not anymore. Maybe he could understand it again, soon. Maybe he could remember what's blurry. ... Then again, maybe he chooses to forget for a reason. Maybe it's better like that-? Maybe it should just stay like that... He exhaled shakily, hesitantly. He should just get back to work. He always has to return to it either way. That or, Paul's going to come over and remind him what he has to do. 'Doesn't he do that anyway? Even when I'm already working on something, the other day, he just walked in like he owned the place, told me to stop working on what I'm doing because there's "more important things I need to attend to", then comes along, and makes a big deal out of it when someone else is around. It's like he just wants to be around me...it's not like he's lonely though. There's plenty of soldiers around to help him out...so why is he so obsessed with me working with him?' He pondered this for at least a few minutes. He couldn't find the answer. He didn't know why. Paul's the second in command, so he should be doing his own thing, he's the "second" leader. He's supposed to be watching over the place when Tord's busy doing work. He's not supposed to follow Tord around. He's not supposed to do what he's been doing. At least, not without getting onto. So why..just why..? ...
(continued) The pain starts to feel worse when Tord thinks about Paul. He doesn't know why. He doesn't know if he wants to know. He swallowed hesitantly, looking at the ground, walking over to his desk, leaning over it, staring at blueprints to be done, his lamp. None of it can answer any of his questions. Then again, he can't even do that himself. But what is he supposed to do? Ask Paul about it? '..Yeah, what else are you supposed to do about it, you idiot?' Tord thought, before sighing shakily, turning towards his door, freezing for a second. He thought he saw Paul already there. But he didn't. ... He wasn't hallucinating. He's fine. He's just tired. He's just dizzy. He's perfectly fine. Perfectly...fine... ... There were just...a few more things that he needed to do before he could sit back. It shouldn't take too long, really. It can be done quickly if Tord allows it to be done quickly. If he can just close his mind to any distractions. Or find another way to distract himself from it. ... Something...better. Something that could actually work, instead of doing something else. Tord walked to the door, placing his hand on the lock, unlocking it, preparing to open it. But he hesitated. So..not work? No. He still needs to work. He just needs to find something better to distract him from the pain, since it's gotten worse beyond ignoring. Tord opened his door, beginning to walk down the hallways, slowly, the only sound were his boots hitting the ground, echoing throughout the hallway. Something that can manage to distract him from all thoughts, give him the answers he needs, and still distract him from...other distractions. Something he's able to... Tord stops mid-step, noticing Paul, Patryk, and Yuu talking with each other. He narrows his eye slightly. He never sees the three of them together anymore. The serious look on Paul's expression. The worry in Patryk's tone. Maybe Tord should worry himself about...well, himself later. Right now, he has work to do. He placed his hands behind his back, walking over to the three men, who- when they noticed him, instantly stopped talking and dipped their head, staying silent, but exchanging looks. Tord stared at them for a minute, lifting a brow, keeping his expression calm, however. "What were you talking about?" He asked. Paul crossed his arms, eyeing Tord, grinning slightly. "Nothing, sir. Nothing you need to worry about." He hummed, dipping his head, almost bowing. Tord stared at him, taking a half step back, his shoulders tensing, but he stood straight. Patryk stood there, staring at Tord, before Paul, narrowing his eyes slightly, but then biting his lip before he said anything. "Sir. Maybe you should go do something else. This conversation is just between the three of us." He said, turning his attention back over to Tord. Tord looked at Patryk, blinking. "Pat-" he started, but Patryk took out a clipboard, handing it to him. "Go." Patryk said, staring at Tord, before his gaze softened slightly. "Please." Tord hesitated, before grabbing it, glancing at Paul, who just turned his head away, fighting back another grin. 'You guys were talking about me.' 'Why were you guys talking about me?' 'What is there to say that I can't be here to hear?' 'WHAT WERE YOU SAYING ABOUT ME?' Tord's breathing was quickening, getting faster by the second, but the moment he noticed Patryk still staring at him, he swallowed his panic, though he was already feeling dizzy. "Right! I'll get it done, and I'll be back." He said, turning around, starting to walk, hearing them mutter as he left. He sped up, looking down, staring at the clipboard with paperwork on it, his hands trembling, walking even more quicker, tripping on air, but catching himself every time. What were they saying about him? Why couldn't he be there though? And why didn't Yuu say anything to Tord like he usually does? Is the issue that obvious? OH GOD. He stopped mid-step, trying to catch his breath, just realizing how fast he let it get. ... ..He knew what he could do. He just had to get back to his office.
