i know im too young to be waiting and waiting for the stupid concept of true love that totally tainted and wrecked my perception of the world but omg its all i think about. because what am i even waiting for???? a person??? who can just walk into my life and make everything feel different? i think about it too much for a 14 year old anyway. just the idea of them. the fact that somewhere, theoretically, there could be someone who would know me. properly. and its weird to think that if they exist that they are existing right now simultaneously to me. someone who would look at the ugly annoying complicated parts of me and idk love them for me. maybe that's what i think it would do for me. i think i think being loved would make me feel less temporary? less like im constantly waiting for my real life to start or smth. like if somebody loved me in that huge, terrifying, movie kinda way, maybe i would finally have proof that im actually REAL. that im worth staying for. that im not just a child everyone sees and grows out of. which is a MASSIVE amount of responsibility to give to a hypothetical boy who PROBABLY DOESNT EVEN EXIST . sorry, hypothetical boy :/ i don't even know if i want a boyfriend. i think i want the feeling. i want somebody to make ordinary things feel important. i want to have someone to tell stupid things to. i want someone to know what song reminds me of them. i want to be able to write love letters to them and actually mean it. and i think i imagine that if someone loved me, REALLY loved me, then maybe i would stop feeling so hopeless. maybe i would finally stop looking for something. but that's probably the worst part. because what if im looking for someone to give me something that isnt another persons job to give me?? what if 'true love' isnt going to arrive dramatically and suddenly make everything beautiful??? ive spent YEARS being told that love is the thing! the ending, the answer, the moment where everything starts making sense and now im just supposed to be fourteen and normal and focus on SCHOOL or wtv while my brain is like i want my true love to come and save me from my endless turmoil. i despise my romantic brain. i hate waiting for something that i know doesnt even exist. but i also don't think i could stop wanting it if i tried.
