Hi um a bunch of random deep bs here ok :) guys its ok trust Idk if the audio plays correctly so :/ I love this song sm What is love? and no, I'm not talking about the Twice song or any other song. I'm really asking In a household where it seems like my parents are happier away from each other, why do I look for love so much Sure, I get platonic love. My parents are there, and my friends. But I want someone to show me what love really i. Or am I forcing myself to show someone else what it is? I hate how fast I form crushes. I hate it. Hate how I just want to be someone's person. A guy I found attractive this year has a girlfriend (not like i was going for him anyway) My best friend in 8th grade thinks someone has a crush on her. Why wouldn't they? She's smart, pretty, and not afraid to speak about her political beliefs. Im not mature, I dont fit the beauty standard. Everyone is prettier than me. I dont get it I miss them. Miss the person that I used to think was my safe place. Miss the person who probably is reading this, and doesnt know about the hours I spent thinking about them. They probably don't know this is for them. Maybe theyre even reading this whole thing I'm writing in Bio class, where a bunch of white kids laugh and talk about attractive guys and ugly women. I'm grateful for the time we drifted apart. When we fought and realized this wasn't going to work. Made me realize every single person in the school was making my life miserable. And of course, I'm not allowed to blame it on anyone. But I'll say it again. I liked you. Loved you even maybe, but as a 13 year old, it was the closest I had felt to love. Because we were close, because I was comfortable, and because I couldnt hide. To this day, I still dont know if I confused my love as platonic or romantic. And of course, like anyone else that falls in love with their best friend, I was scared. And I made the huge mistake to tell people who weren't trustworthy. I told someone. They lied about what you said. I made the stupid decision to believe it. You know what happened next. I left once. that once became thrice. That thrice became hatred. And for me, the hatred became guilt. I look back now, at all the secret conversations we had. Every time I woke up to check scratch to see "Any updates if you still hate me?" and all the times my wrists turned red because I believed it was all my fault and I ruined the one person I was supposed to love, and I think that it didn't make me better. But it did make my wrists bleed every week. Still does, kinda. It could have been avoided. We're farther than ever, especially with school. And I find myself wondering. Could I still be your person?
