maplestar. how that name has echoed in my mind. there was a time in my life where that name meant happiness. love. warmth. all the things a mother should be to her kits. when i was younger, you were the thing i looked foreward to seeing once in a while. that little spark in the dark. i would stay up for days, waiting for you to visit my siblings and i. when you did, it was as if the whole world was a little lighter. like i could be anyone i wanted to be. i like to imagine that you believed in me, that you were proud of the cat i was. over time, you stopped visiting me. i didn't want to accept it at first. didn't want to accept that not only had i lost pa, but i had also lost you. it started off small. the time between your visits grew longer. i grew older. lacunapaw died. sunfallear and i grew farther apart. you. stopped. coming. no. instead of being a mother to your own kits, you let your clan die. you went off and became a mother to others. others i don't know the names of and will never know. instead of caring for sunfall and i, your own blood, you chose them. i used to want to be just like you, mother. a protecter. a nurturer. a safe place. maplestar, you have to know i am everything but that. i am a murderer. i am a liar. i am a coward. i am a /monster/. i am a medic who watched her clanmates starve to death, doing nothing to even try to help them. i am a clanmate who killed his own niece in a fit of fury. i am a sibling who couldn't keep their family together. i am a mentor who taught others how to save lives, knowing they couldn't do the same. i am every promise i made and broke. i am every face i see when i close my eyes. ...perhaps you were right to leave. perhaps you saw the monster in me before anyone else did. perhaps you saw there was nothing worth saving inside of me. perhaps that's why you never came back.
