Companion Piece: https://scratch.mit.edu/projects/1386767393/ --- Three Hours Apart --- Kaitlin turned around and checked the recipe again, ensuring she had just the right amount of cocoa powder. She spun towards her bowl—knocking over the jar of sugar—and dropped the last scoop in. “I’ll clean you up later,” she mumbled, patting the counter as she mixed the batter. She was almost ready to put the third layer in the oven. She knew her brother would hardly care about the many folds and flavors of his cake; but he deserved the best for his birthday. She placed the baking dish in the oven, set the timer, and went back to the counter. With an exasperated huff, she started scraping the sugar off the counter. And then the phone started ringing. Dusting off her hands, she repeated, “I’ll clean you up later later.” She picked up her phone, and Carter’s grinning face—from the one photo they had together—lit up the screen. A knot twisted in her stomach. She had totally forgotten to call him on Thursday. But she’d talked to him the week before, right? Regardless, she was free right then—for nineteen minutes, at least. So she tapped the green ‘accept’ button. “Hello?” Kaitlin asked. “Uh, hi,” Carter replied. His voice sounded quiet, so she turned up the volume a bit. “Hey, how have you been?” she asked, wiping her forehead. She was bad about asking, but she did enjoy hearing about his weeks; it usually provided a happier distraction from her own. “I’ve been… Alright,” he said. Kaitlin frowned. He was almost always ‘doing well.’ If he was just ‘alright,’ he definitely wasn’t. “Listen, I really need to talk to you.” She swallowed and glanced around at her suitemates. They were all oblivious on their phones, but… She still didn’t want them overhearing. So she went to her room, flicking on the fan and pulling the door shut behind her. She grabbed the bag of caramels off the shelf and plopped onto her bed. “Okay, what’s up?” she asked softly. There was a deep, staticky breath. “I just wanted to tell you that… I got in.” Oh. That was a lot lighter than she’d been expecting. “You got in? Where?” “Everywhere,” he breathed. His next words were slurred, but it was something like, “I have my choice, any school in the country.” “Wow,” she breathed. It was a pretty huge accomplishment. Though she wasn’t very surprised; Carter had always been a genius. His reply didn’t sound very happy though. Just a simple, “Yeah,” followed by some silence. She cleared her throat. “Well good job, that’s super impressive.” “Thanks,” he muttered. She bit her lip. Something was clearly bothering him about it. “Have you decided where you’re going yet?” “Not totally,” he said. “Well… UMC is always open,” she invited. Admittedly, it had been kind of hard, leaving everyone she knew. Having a friend there would be nice, for both of them. “I mean… I’ve thought about it, but it’s not the top program on my list.” “If you say so,” she said with a sarcastic, dramatized sigh. She adored the little place. But at the same time, she knew that Carter wanted to change the world… And Missouri Central wasn’t exactly a groundbreaking place. “So which ones are?” “Um…” Carter paused. “I’ve been considering MIT, or Carnegie Mellon.” Well, she hadn’t quite pictured those schools, either. That… Would definitely be a change. “Okay, wow,” she said, trying to sound impressed, “So you’re talking about the big ones.” “My philosophy is, ‘go big, or stay at home.’” “Yeah,” Kaitlin said. She much preferred the ‘stay at home’ option. “So, how far away are those, anyways?” He hardly hesitated before saying, “Between eleven and nineteen hours, driving.” And that hit her like a brick wall. She was sad about going to college just three hours away; but nineteen? “That’s… Really far,” she said. “Yeah, it is.” Carter was always good at stating facts. Not necessarily at catching tone. “So… I mean…” There were so many things she wanted to say. She wanted to ask what that meant for them. But her voice choked up, and she couldn’t get the words out. Carter understood though. “I… Don’t know,” he said. “I guess I just…” She heaved a sigh, peeling the package of caramels open. “I never pictured you moving away.” “You did first,” he said bitterly. And… He had half a point there. “Well… Well yeah,” Kaitlin admitted. But they were still able to visit, to go see each other—if she ever got the free time. That would get a lot harder if he was in Massachusetts. “But I’m only three-and-a-half hours away. It’s still a day’s trip.” “Yeah, and you’ve still never visited,” he said, his words like daggers. Bile rose in Kaitlin’s throat. What did she do? She almost never heard Carter angry. She peeled open a caramel with shaky fingers and popped it into her mouth. The worst part was… He was right. She hadn’t gone to see him since starting college. But she still wanted the ability to.
--- CONTINUED --- “I know, I’ve been awful about that,” she confessed. “I’ve just been so busy. It’s not my fault, I just have no time.” With her class schedule, and work schedule, and all the other changes going on—Kaitlin hardly felt like she had time to breathe. She wanted to visit him, really. Just… She knew that even if she drove home, she wouldn’t really be present. She’d be focused on due dates, and cutbacks, and taking some time to care for herself. No matter what she tried, she just couldn’t get rid of the suffocating anxiety that followed her. If anyone would get that, she expected it to be Carter. “I know your life’s really full and chaotic right now, and I don’t blame you for that. I just… I wonder how hard it is to reply to a text here and there.” She did reply to them… Here and there. But he did have a point. “Well… I…” she began, looking for the right words, “I’m sorry, sometimes I read them, and I just don’t have the energy to respond. I—” He cut her off with a heavy sigh. “But you can’t be getting upset at me,” she said. This conversation wasn’t even about her; it was him explaining how he was moving across the country. Yeah, communication had been a struggle, but it wasn’t solely her fault. “I mean, you’re certainly not helping things by moving a plane flight away!” “Well what reason do I have to stay?” he asked coldly. Her breath hitched, and her heart almost stopped in its tracks. What reason did he have to stay? She knew that he valued his education. But was she not even competition? “I would’ve stayed, for you,” he continued. “Except…” She waited a moment. He’d better not be leaving it at that. “Except what?” “Except I don’t see where this is going.” She didn’t fully know either. But she wanted to figure it out together. He went on. “I believe that you enjoy our friendship. I even believe that you might have liked me once.” Did he really still doubt that? “I do,” she reassured him. “Okay, well I believe that,” he continued, paying little attention to her words. “But… I’ve never felt like you loved me.” Kaitlin sniffled. “What do you mean?” she asked quietly. How did he not think he loved her? Was he really that blind? …Was she really that bad of a friend?” Apparently so. He went on, each word pounding her further and further into a warm, claustrophobic pit of guilt. “When you love someone, you show that. You make time for them. You give them a birthday gift, or a letter.” She… She wanted to. She’d started crafting a birthday gift for him; a big, origami spider. They always creeped her out, but for some reason he loved the bugs; he could list off a hundred obscure facts about them. But she just wasn’t able to finish it in time. Every fold had to be so precise. If she messed up just one crease, the whole thing would fall apart. She still wanted to finish it—as soon as she got time. She was hoping to give it to him at Christmas. He continued. “Kaitlin, every step of our relationship, I’ve just been chasing you, playing hide and seek. And…” he gulped, “And I’ve never felt important to you.” She knew he was right. She’d been an awful friend. In all the busyness and chaos she just… forgot to say how much she appreciated him. Attempting to hold back her sobs, she unwrapped four caramels and shoved them into her mouth. “I’m sorry,” she mumbled. “I know I’ve been bad about talking. But…” She had to fix this. “I really do value our relationship.” “Yeah, but do you love me, Kaitlin? Do you actually care about my good?” Of course she did! Some people just can’t express it in the same way. She wished she could. She wished she could ease away some of the pain and anger in his voice. “Do you just care about the gifts? And the experience? Like… Did you actually want me, or did you just want a boyfriend?” There wasn’t any containing it anymore. The tears stinging her eyes grew too painful, so she finally released them, pulling her stuffed axolotl close to her chest. “I… I don’t know, honestly. Carter, I’ve been trying to figure this out, I’m just as confused as you are.” Every part of her life was changing. Every day of college, she grew less and less convinced of what she thought she knew. She honestly had no clue where she stood or what she wanted—but she definitely didn’t want it to stay like this. “I don’t really know what these feelings are or mean, I just… I know that this hurts.” There was a stretch of silence. “I’m sorry I still care about you,” Carter said, letting the words drop like an anvil on her heart. “You know… When I said I loved you, I meant it.” Kaitlin buried her face in the pink fur and sobbed, suffocating under the weight. The weight of all the things, the little ones and the huge confessions, that she wished she knew how to say. She just didn’t know how. The oven timer started going off. She knew she couldn’t talk anymore. She figured Carter wouldn’t want to. So she spotted the ‘end call’ button through blurry, tear-filled eyes.
