This is going to be a philosophically, ideologically, and existentially heavy vent. It is directed to no one in particular, and in fact, is primarily a result of people I interact with daily in the real world. If you don't have anything to say in response, I understand. Most people don't, anyway. But even a joke, even a platitudinous apology, would mean the world to me. And with that said... ... I have been capriciously "lost" for a long time. I am a fractured individual of the person I was. I was once an awful person to others, and have since been vying for mercy. Months pass by. Then a year. I find myself so graciously extending my sympathy and understanding to people who most others would turn a blind eye to. People that most would deem a "bad person". I am a firm believer that even the worst people can change, because I was once among the worst people. I understand that antagonizing and shaming bigotry serves no purpose; only warrants a defensive response, only lets them sink deeper into stubbornness, only perpetuates conflict until they are isolated and alone. That feeling is so lonely. It is so impossibly lonely that I would not have wished that despair on anyone, because as deluded as someone might be, they are still a person that cares. I was forced to climb out of that pit by myself. I wanted to help others where nobody helped me. But I have failed time and time again to help others. I know it's possible to reach them, the same way I have reached myself, but I cannot seem to do so. I am rejected by the ones I try to help and ostracized by the masses that had condemned them. I am forced to watch both sides insist on taking a moral high ground that does not exist, because that is the only way they can find solace in themselves. ... And for some reason, I still care too much for my own good. It would be easier if I did not care about the feelings of others. No matter how much I try to pretend that other people are not valuable to me, I can't help but wish to help them, even now. It is miserable. I am miserable if I try to care for others, and miserable if I do not. I will never be happy. Hatred. Mindless, perpetual hatred. Leave it to the imprudent and inexperienced to so-passionately propagate the very same tribalism values they claim to hate. Why is it so much easier to hate than it is to love? Because nobody has ever shown you love, and you rebuke it when they do. Because the act of loving people hurts your soul, so you all choose to stray from it. I don't want to be hated by everyone, but no path I take will yield that choice. I will continue to love, and I will continue to hate, indiscriminately, forever. The gaze of others no longer scares me, even if I am nothing without it. At last I am liberated, because someone taught me that it is okay to be wrong. I sincerely hope all of us get every last drop of hurt that we deserve. Every last portion of that unbearable burden. Maybe then you will finally come to hopelessly love others the same way I do. To hell with you all.
