I carry a disdain for humans. This does not exclude me. I wish to be left alone, yet all I wish for is affection. These emotions I cannot regulate properly result in an unstable person. If only it could be put into words. Forgive me for existing, I'm an useless person is the closest I can get. Taken from Hymn To The Decadent Life. How unoriginal I am... My back is in horrible pain. The tailbone aches. I wish everyone would shut up. Everyone is judging me. I can feel their gazes out of the corner of my eye. I refuse to meet their eyes. I don't need their pity or sympathy. Meeting their greetings with vague disinterest and quickly taking my seat. I am still in pain. Stuck analyzing everyone's muttering. Grinning, amused by the absurdness. It quickly dies and the feeling felt as if it were never there. Sitting in the corner with three empty seats beside me. Not like it matters. If someone were to sit there, they would be uncomfortable by my presence. It is my fault, then. Feeling any guilt or regret is in vain, as the next day, it won't matter. Neither will it in the next hour. The minutes shall pass, and it won't have mattered. Any feelings or emotions are simply fleeting, and holding onto them is useless. I shouldn't meet anyone's eyes with my empty gaze. Simply staring into the void and mumbling a response is sufficient enough. They understand. I understand. Simple as. I wish everyone would stop glancing at me. They have. Why am I still being judged? Outside of classrooms, I still suffer. Treated like waste. Treated like something. Worse than being treated like nothing. Violence to put me in my place. Derogatory words. All meant to make me feel like an outcast. All my mind finds no meaning in. I am numb to these things. My body and tongue take action before my mind can register my sheer intellect. My thoughts cannot keep up with the unfeeling machine of my subconscious.
I miss him. I can't bear to return. Why did I do that? I thought I had to. I hadn't considered things from his view. I never do. Aren't I horrible? I was punishing myself. I didn't think about him. Even if I do return, I will surely repeat my behavior. I am unstable. Why would someone ever want that? I am not used to anyone having any sort of feelings towards me. I am unlovable. I am weird. I am absurd. All I wish to do is isolate myself. I still desire him. He does not deserve me. Not because I am better. I am worse. Regrets are useless. Why can't I be perfect? Why can't I just crawl back to him, on my hands and knees, and beg for forgiveness? I can't put it into words. How horrible. How useless.
