I didn't think I could be homesick in my own home but this overwhelming feeling of illness hasn't gone away I feel empty from being alone I think about it all the time maybe too much ive been trying to love but I've been told I'm too much maybe too much am I enough? . . . I have a heart made of wax and its melting /without/ the sun I didn't know that was possible. I just need someone to hold me close anyone because I feel like I've failed everyone but the ending always stays the same I can't change that so I suppose there's no good reason to believe that /we/ could ever exist again if you could take me back to the night we met, any night I met someone that I love I could tell them where I would go wrong but you can't heal a wound that has already been made a scar . . . I don't regret loving any of you not because you needed it, but because I needed it maybe... maybe we can meet again somewhere someday far away from here if not, you all were the greatest thing I will have lost . . . my tears may still stain the floor of where I sleep alone but they dry up before I wake so that I can't see the heartbreak I feel I wish I could know you more sometimes I wish you could know me . . . and I want to deny it, but one time /you/ said it yourself young people fall in love with the wrong people sometimes that wasn't what we were, please. I /know/ that's not what we were I /loved/ you all of you and I keep repeating it to myself. and I will until it somehow gets through your thick skull but before it pierces my heart . . . I hear the giggles of kits every day and I wonder if they are mine if any ever were . . . oh starclan. my head is so full of poison, I'm afraid its seeped into my heart there's so many things I want to say to you but I'll just let you be because I don't know if you want me to tell them is it all in my head? I can't let it go I'm always trying I'm always trying to do this better I'm sorry you know? . . . and before everything went wrong I think that was the happiest I had ever been in my life I'm so sorry for killing you my claws weren't unsheathed but the damage still cut through like a sharpened bone . . . someone once told me to let it go let it go before it rots my soul but my soul is already so black I'm so afraid it'll crumble if I try to keep loving everything is starting to feel heavy when its supposed to feel light but I'm so tired oh I'm so tired I need somewhere to begin please please don't be mad at me my eyes are so dry but I want to cry so many more tears . . . did I cross the line? you can tell me didn't you believe in me? weren't we the salt in the sea? weren't we the stars in starclan? I'm afraid only love can hurt like this like I'm a structure on a cliff and a strong wind hits it causing it to fall into the raging sea . . . I spout random nonsense to strangers who have no care because it makes me feel something now that I don't have you to do so I tried to let it hurt until I didn't but there's such an aching pain that won't dull even when I let go . . . when I had kits, I should've known that I signed up for my greatest joy and my biggest heartache I've learned to lose its all I know and now sitting in a place where no one dies I wonder how often I am missing the small things that made me live.
song is the cure by Olivia rodrigo see if you can spot all the song references I hid in the srp <3
