so. this is a bit more of a personal matter...idk if it'll make sense. but like...here we go. So, i've noticed that I feel kind of like a spare part or third wheel with my IRL friends. I feel like I could just be cast aside. And I feel like that's happened a lot within my IRL relationships. For one, my friend Tomato/Evan. I'd say we're close, but he also has so many other friends and I wouldn't be surprised if he were closer with them or cared about them more. He has football teammates and bandmates meanwhile I'm not in either of those classes (maybe I'll join Band next year if they have something I'm interested in). Plus, when I hang out with his other friends I feel like I tend to get ignored a lot unless I try to insert myself more, in which I STILL usually get ignored. Tomato texts me, but he's also always really busy, so we only get time to catch up on weekends or during break, and because I do a mostly online hybrid program, I can't hang out with him at school. For two, my brother hangs out with a medium-large sized group of kids he calls the "Among Us Group", also at school (so we only see them sometimes). Yet again, I feel treated like a third wheel. My presence isn't even usually acknowledged, and I'm pretty sure I get ignored or avoided a lot when in that group too. I don't know how clubs or electives or sports or whatever the heck is gonna help because I'm always gonna be the different kid. The out of place one. For one, I couldn't even bring myself to TALK during my Glee club meeting the other day. For two, my elective has some of my former classmates in it, PLUS my group is mostly juniors or seniors, and the only freshman is someone from the Among Us group (and also the only one who DOESN'T always ignore my existence). For Three, I'm not a sport person.. I've also tried being in other friend groups, hanging out with people, trying to make new friends, etc, but none of it works and sometimes I won't even talk to people because my body and mind are holding me back. I just don't want to be a third wheel anymore. I want to have a role in my group, someone who actually exists. And my biggest worry is that everyone is avoiding me because I'm queer and neurodivergent, and I'm not interested in the things that most people at my school are. It annoys me that everyone has their friend groups, hanging out, laughing, having fun, while I'm sitting there, alone, in need of someone, but nobody will open their arms to let me in. I'm stuck as the loser that many know but next to none care about. I just want to not be alone IRL.
i hate being different.
