Really. I check @Just_A_Trans_Dude's account and see him venting through posts. I keep acting like everything's alright and that my mental state and family situation has improved, but how do I tell anyone that I feel like I'm drowning and everything's going downhill? How do I tell anyone how angry my mom has been at me for no real reason? How do I tell anyone that my life is falling apart at the seams and that my mental state is hitting rock bottom? My health is horrible too because I refuse to actually take care of myself and get defensive all the darn time. I'm a kid, I shouldn't have to go through this. I'm a kid, my mother shouldn't have had me at 19. She's over here acting like I'm her friend when she's everything I despise. I hate that I have habits that are mirrors of her, and I want to leave this house. I need to leave this house. I stopped venting because I know eventually, my parents would see them again and ground me. Instead of being the supposedly more "supportive" parents they're trying to be. She says she wants to be the mother she didn't have, but she's becoming a mirror of her father. Science is a horrible subject this year, I despise everyone, I'm getting angrier with each day, every little thing sets me off and I go quiet, and I slowly start to realize that I'm getting older too quick. I don't want to continue growing. When I'm asked what happens for me in a few years, I can't answer because I wasn't supposed to be here. I had plans. Then they found out. They forced me to stay, and I've never felt more suffocated. Combined with my friends saying that if I commit they commit, I feel a heavy burden, because their lives depend on mine now. I hate that I became friends with such caring people, because I value them, but am terrified of what happens next after I lose touch with them. Everyday, my friends ask if I'm feeling touchy, but I lie and say "not really" and let them touch me anyway. I hate the lewd jokes. I hate being touched. I hate the feeling of other people leaning against me or leaning over into my personal space, but I crave their touch at the same time. If they just stopped trying to make conversation during the only quiet, thirty minutes I have, if I didn't have to go to the cafeteria because I was pleaded with to do so, maybe I wouldn't be so aggravated and defensive by the end of the day, maybe I wouldn't be so insecure, maybe I'd have a peace of mind, maybe I could focus. But, no, they're asking me why I haven't texted them, it's not just one friend, I've stopped texting everyone all together because texting and calling friends has become too much of a chore, talking in person, without yelling, is way better for me. If people just stopped objectifying my body and saying things that make me uncomfortable but they think it's funny because I laugh, maybe I'd just... I don't know. I'm just begging for some mercy between the horrible home life I have, and the overwhelming bull going on at school. I just need a break.
I guess this is a vent. Not sure. I just really got yelled at for not hearing because my mind was elsewhere and I've been zoning out a lot. Also 'cause I had my headphones in at full blast, but my entire first quarter and now second quarter is going "great".
