Theres like some art I made, there's some gore Theres cool songs I like May be big scary cuss words oooo!! If you report the project i will hunt you down and tickle your toes Uhhh yay venting!! Theres gonna be mentions of sewer slides and SH I cant approach serious or emotional situations for crap. I feel so dead when approached with them, I want to help but I just feel so little, like the most I can do is just follow and be sad or angry or just follow along with whatever. And i feel like crap for that, or worse I just ignore and deflect it and try and joke around and just try and be the "silly duck fella" I want to be. Other lovely delightful stuff on top of that I feel like I'm failing everything; my relationship, my friendships, my schoolwork, my own hobbies and I'm failing my family. Im told I'm "young" i have "so much time to figure things out" but I'm already a fricking senior in highschool, I'm running out of time and I dont know what I'm going to do, I can say things like I have life figured out but I don't, I'm just a failing teen who can pretend they're ready enough. More nice things is I hate my body, I genuinely want to tear my skin off I'm questioning my gender again after being happy for several years as just non-binary, right as I felt good about it because homophobic people can't dare use 'they' in a sentence for a singular person, but on the brightside of this dumpster fire I think I might be trans, yay ig, but it doesn't change how I hate my body and get so self conscious about every fricking aspect of my body. I hate my body so much I just always wear sweaters and melt to death in them, refusing to remove them because it covers my body, all year around fully covered and I remove myself from things I enjoy if it gets too physical because I hate how my body looks but then that works against me because I think I look "too fat" or something else stupid even though I know I'm probably around average size I keep hearing that stupid voice in my head and from that it ranges from I barely eat and have almost one if not even a meal a day or I just eat a lot nonstop throughout the day, and usually when starving myself I try and force myself to eat and it sucks. And more about me hating my body I've done the horrors of c/tting, biting, bruising and now the new bad habit of peeling skin off, and I wish i was joking, I wish it was some sick joke that I can just stop, I wish it was all a joke, I feel like a joke, I try and act like a joke because if I know I made someone happy thats good enough. I just want to be a "silly duck fella" as I call myself so badly, but I know I can't do that, I know I can't do that until I'm better, and just a better person in general. I have no clue how people see me, bur I hope they just see a silly guy who likes drawing and their weird little hobbies because thats what I want to be. I try and focus on hobbies or something; drawing, singing songs, playing games, recently picked up bracelet making but it feels so hard to be motivated to get out of bed half the time in the morning I know I should talk to some trusted adult but it feels so hard to say any of this out loud. I'm sorry.
If scratch removes the instructions thing i wrote I will actually cry
