It took longer than Sunspidersolace expected for the boulders surrounding the MossClan camp to come into view. He must have ran much farther than she'd realized. But no matter, they were here now, and just in time, too, for the kits had begun to shiver even more as the sun sank below the horizon. “We're here,” she whispered to them, extra careful not to bump them as he squeezed through the crack in the boulder wall. As soon as Cider entered, the knot of warriors laughing in the center of camp became much quieter, heads turning to stare at him, or more specifically, at what she was carrying. Sunspidersolace froze for a moment, opening his mouth, but no words came out. Which was just fine, because now that he thought about it, she really didn't have the time to explain himself anyways. The warrior quickly ducked into the nursery, the familiar smell of moss greeting him as she carefully laid them down onto a pile of bedding. He wasn't worried about whether she was allowed to be in there, it'd all be sorted out, and besides, it wasn’t like anycat would punish her. Sunspidersolace settled beside the kits and began to lick their damp fur, working gently from their heads down their little backs. He wasn't sure if he was doing it properly, but it seemed to be working. Stars, if only he'd bothered to come see the new litters all of his friends had, all those moons ago. But she'd always been too busy, so now he was clueless. Cider took a closer look at each kit as he curled around them. There was a russet one, some sort of tabby looking one, two gray ones, and a fluffy light brown one. The russet one opened its mouth, letting out a pitiful cry, and its light gray sibling soon followed suit. “That’s quite enough,” Sunspidersolace said in a useless attempt to quiet the kits, noting that they'd at least stopped shivering. In fact, he was no expert on kit noises, but their cries didn't seem as sad anymore, that was a start. Cider lifted his head toward the nursery entrance. She should probably get up now, she figured. He'd brought them back to camp and warmed them up, there wasn't much else to do now, besides telling the medics to go check on them, maybe even letting Silverfishstar know where he'd found them if she was curious. Everycat else could make the decisions from here. Her part would be done. And then… The warrior paused. /Then what?/ Cider would go back to drifting through life. Back to waking up each morning without quite knowing what he was supposed to do with himself. Back to watching the days blur together. Back to feeling like a stranger in his own camp, patrolling aimlessly, purposeless. /Well… perhaps I could stay with them a bit longer,/ she thought, before the shred of logic he’d managed to hold onto all this time could speak up. Oh, for StarClan’s sake. What was wrong with her? He had found them just a few minutes ago, and he was already using them as an excuse to avoid responsibilities. She'd never been particularly good at sitting still when there was something to be done, so why did the idea of going to find Fishmothfrolic seem more daunting than fighting ten wolves? It wasn't as though the kits would notice her absence. They didn't even know who she was. “Come on, Sunspider,” he muttered out loud. There was no reason to make this complicated. She'd found them, she'd helped them, and now she needed to let someone more qualified take over. That was how it worked. She knew that perfectly well. Still, he found himself sitting there for another few moments, staring at them with an expression he couldn't quite place. It wasn't affection. He didn't think it was. She barely knew them, and it seemed ridiculous to feel anything particularly strong about five kits she'd stumbled across less than an hour ago. They were strangers. Five tiny strangers who happened to need help, and she'd happened to be there. That was all. Except… /They don't even know who I am./ The thought came back to her, and this time, something about it caught in his mind. They didn't know about Sunspiderstar, the leader who'd made promises and failed to keep them. They didn’t see her as Sunspidersolace, the husk of a cat who still didn't know what to do with himself. They didn't know about Silverfishstar, or the decisions that had cost her everything, how he’d killed Leafhopperflight, or the way she felt like a stranger amongst the rest of the Clan. Maybe that was why this little flicker of purpose meant more to her than it should have. In here, Sunspiderstar’s infamy wasn’t hanging over his head. She cast another glance towards the nursery exit, paws twitching, but was distracted by the tiny claws suddenly digging into her leg. The fluffy light brown kit was twitching in its sleep, tiny paws kneading the warrior. The russet kit had somehow rolled halfway on top of the tabby one. It was so odd to think that he'd been like this once, brought to camp by Delphine.
Had the old leader felt the same strange feeling of responsibility when she saw his litter? Did she wonder what would happen to them all as warriors, when she gathered all of the kits for hide-and-seek? Cider's ears twitched. Delphine had done well by them, MossClan wouldn't even exist without her. She'd found abandoned kits, loners with nowhere else to go, cats who needed someone to believe in them. Cider had respected her, looked up to her. But he’d never loved her. She’d never been family. He hadn’t had anycat to run to when the nights were dark and scary, no one to ask for advice when she started feeling uncomfortable with his gender. Now, she saw a bit of himself in these kits, because if no one decided to raise them, they'd just grow up more or less alone, just as she had. His brow furrowed as she imagined them becoming apprentices, then warriors, with no cat there for them but each other. Maybe they’d model after the warriors, becoming hardworking, but forget to take care of themselves. Maybe they’d end up staring at the ground on sleepless nights, wondering who they were meant to be. But… maybe they didn’t have to be alone. She shook his head, wondering what had gotten into her, but he couldn’t stop the sudden curious idea, /Maybe I could make sure they grew up right./ Such a strange and seemingly out-of-place thought. He himself hadn’t shaped up to be a very good warrior, so why would she be of any help? Perhaps it was /because/ there were so many things he wished she'd understood sooner. Things he'd done without thinking, things she'd only realized were mistakes after they'd hurt someone else. What if these kits had somecat to teach them things before it was too late for them to learn? Perhaps she was being absurd, but Cider wondered if maybe he had a chance to make sure more cats didn’t follow in her pawsteps. A chance to do something with this life of his. If she couldn’t be useful to MossClan, maybe she could stick with these kits, and teach them to be cats who would. If they turned out alright, then perhaps it would make up for his past failures. She’d already tried to be a warrior, a leader, a friend, a healer, what was one more attempt? Maybe now, Sunspidersolace could try to be… a father. He shook his head, wondering what had gotten into her. She didn’t know the first thing about parenting. But… It might be nice to have cats who didn’t look at Cider as though he were something to be pitied. Cats who didn’t seem surprised whenever she managed to do something right. Maybe it would be nice to be needed for something he could actually give. To have somecat brighten when she entered a den. To be sought out for comfort as she’d always dreamed, to finally live up to her warrior name. Maybe they’d even… love him. That wouldn’t have been /new/, Dobsonflydaydream loved her, of course. Dobby had always been there when she broke. Again and again, they had listened as he spilled every fear and failure at their paws, offering reassurance she wasn’t sure she deserved. Yet she’d never seemed to need its assistance in the same way. Cider had hardly possessed enough energy to hold himself together, much less return the favor. He’d been avoiding them since the demotion. She didn’t want to be a bother. Dobby didn’t deserve to spend another evening convincing her that she wasn’t worthless. But maybe this conversation wouldn’t have to be about everything she’d lost. Perhaps he could try to explain the idea slowly forming in his mind. They’d never talked about adopting kits before. It just hadn’t really seemed feasible with all of her leader duties, and they were enough for each other. But maybe this was some sort of sign from StarClan. Or maybe it was only a cluster of coincidences she was trying to turn into something meaningful because he so desperately needed them to be. Sunspidersolace let out a slow breath, lowering her head beside the kits and deciding to stay put for the night. She was exhausted, after all, and maybe that was all this was. By morning, it was quite possible that he’d realize that this whole idea had been ridiculous from the start. But as he closed his eyes, he couldn’t deny the fact that she, oddly enough, didn’t dread the upcoming dawn. Somehow, impossibly, after moons of drifting though each day not feeling much of anything, Cider had found something that might be worth caring about. A small ray of hope had broken through the leaf-bare clouds, and although it was small, the broken warrior felt its warmth all the same.
