don't hate me for this because I already hate myself (i'm so stupid, bawling my eyes out in the middle of class) I have become troy bolton. let me explain. I somehow made the JV basketball team at my school, and got into a play. (not a musical :( but still cool) and on top of that I had to quit golf because my parents told me I had to choose one sport. so I chose basketball. 1 because practice was later in the day (which delayed my dinner to like 5 minutes before my bedtime) and 2 because it was more physical activity, which meant I started losing weight. (I am very insecure about my weight) but now that volleyball season is over, practice is earlier, every single day the same time as rehearsals. I told my director and my coach that my priorities were as follows: 1 the show, 2 games, 3 rehearsals, 4 practice. but that was before the practice schedule changed. which I had no notice about because I was recovering from a bad ankle roll. so even though rehearsals are on tuesdays, wednesdays, thursdays, and saturdays, (which I can't even go to because of my dad's second job) I can't go on wednesdays anymore because that's what I told my coach to make her happy. (also I have met with a college scout and got set up to be scouted for basketball in college yay I guess) and don't even get me started on my VA work. I am SWIMMING in unfinished auditions because I have no spare time, and when I do, other people are yapping and YAPPING. and the planes, and the leaf blowers, and the cars passing by, nothing is quiet and I'm so stressed, and so at a loss for words, because all the things i'm hiding, all the things i'm obsessing over, all of what I want people to look, look, LOOK at, they all boil over, and overlap, like the glitchiest computer program ever and I want to do what I love, but it's so hard to know what i love, because it feels like I don't even have my own personality anymore. I change all the time, changing, changing my personality, mannerisms, and suppressing my real emotions because I so desperately want to feel wanted and loved, and on top of it all, it feels like no one actually listens. and that feels like the worst thing for me. maybe it's me. maybe I don't know how to tell people and am upset for no freakin reason. but I don't know, I don't know, it's so hard, life is so hard. I know this isn't all of it, but I can't get it out in words, just somebody hear me. I don't want to be anywhere but online, playing roblox, talking to wonderful people on scratch, because what is out there for me?
