just a little vent/checkup

Instructions

⚠️ CW: Grief, death of a loved one, loss, and mourning. Explanation: Recently, one of my good friends passed away, and I've been struggling with the loss. I've been crying a lot, overthinking, and zoning out more often than usual. It's been difficult to process everything, and sometimes I find myself lost in my thoughts without even realizing it. I'm still trying to understand and cope with everything that's happened, so I'd appreciate some patience and understanding as I work through these feelings. Details: My good friend sadly passed from a fatal illness, and didn't speak up about it. so when i think its mostly "I wish you would have said something, there was still time" or "i should have noticed and been there for you" I often find myself thinking really negative thoughts and i'm just not in a good state of mind right now. More: I haven't really told many people, nor am i planning to outside of who sees this here. My beloved friend for most of my life, whom we'll call Dess supported and encouraged me into what I love doing now: Art. Its been tougher to enjoy that now that he's gone to be honest. Dess was...so important to me; i'm struggling to put this into word i'm sorry. I've always had thanatophpbia, and this scared me bad. I miss him so much and I feel that I need to cry and scream and hug him again, see his face in person, hear his dumb dad jokes one last time. I'm not ready to let go. And I find this hard to talk about, especially since someone, a friend, who i trusted very much continued to make this into a sick joke. Struggles: I find it so so so very hard to cope with this. Its hard to go to school and see his desk empty. His locker being used by someone else. And while i'm going through all of this I also, always, have to put a smile on. My friend caught me crying in the library and thought it was funny, so she took a picture and posted it. that was... rough. So i have to put a smile on or people ask about why I'm sad or crying. Though, to be fair I don't think they'd ask in the first place. My very good friend hasn't noticed I stopped talking, stopped eating, stopped replying to her right away. And if she has she's just brushed it off. Coping: In a matter of 4 days I have rewatched the entirety of the owl house twice. I changed almost all of my pfps on things to the collector, they were his favorite. The collecter, Daisuke, Geto, and so much more aswell. I also wrote multiple songs to cope because I find that easier to put into words as a song. I have these bracelets we made eachother every year for Christmas. 7 of them, and I wear them daily. 1: IFABFY,IWWBIDI (I'd fight a bear for you, I wouldn't win but i'd do it) 2: IPAFIYH, aietbimfo (I'd put a flower in your hair, and i'd eat it because its my favorite one) 3:AIFYTOM, IPTOY (and if you're thinking of me, i'm probably thinking of you too) 4:LHS, BSS (Like he's smart, but so stvpid) 5: FYMB? TADFR (fym butterfilies? those are dinosaurs fr) 6: YMFFBBTW, TIKSC (ur my favorite femboy btw, thanks i know sweetcheeks) The 7th, was sadly given to me today: "ILP,YLP,IBAP,KM" i cried so hard after decoding it (he left a note to what it said) he was gonna ask me out btw. "I like pizza, you like pizza, I'm bad a poems- Kiss me" there was no matching piece. it was just that bracelet he was gonna give me