bright color warning? idk man so um here's the story of my self-hatred!! so basically a while ago, maybe 2nd-3rd grade i was a tomboy, right so my parents wouldn't let me get anything "boy-like" and i ended up not really liking my appearance as i thought i was too "girly" at this time i was very self confident and i loved myself, if i continued like this i would've become a narcissistic jerk anyway, later into 3rd grade i got into the internet i played animal jam (wow) every day for incredibly unhealthy amounts of time, as soon as i woke up til i fell asleep i would take my food or meals upstairs and eat at my desk i barely even went to the bathroom lmao anyway as this continued i became more and more obsessed later my friend introduced me to scratch in early 4th grade my obsession switched to scratch as i.. obsessively drew terrible cats and attempted to animate now as this became worse my parents put a program into my computer that only let me log on for like 3 hours and this upset me a LOT. i also wasn't allowed on youtube (and i still am not allowed hahah.) then later in 4th grade, probably on my birthday, i made them take it off so now i was in this craze of drawing as i became more engulfed in the world of le internets, i became more introverted and.. sad. yes, sad. i also compared my drawings to other artists in a way a perfectionist would i.. am a perfectionist actually its a huge problem because i usually don't have any motivation to make anything perfect which makes me very upset so it's an endless loop of "do better" "but i can't" so of course, as i was exposed to more and more stuff on the internet i saw people who i wanted to BE. one of my best friends at the time was like.. everything to me. i thought he was amazing. that he'd always be better than me. that i could never be as good as him. our friendship later drifted away and this made me extremely upset and i was too scared to talk to him being the anxious person i am so this went on until.. probably summer of last year in this time period i.. basically tried to BE him. i copied his art style, what she did, etc. now i was a little 9-10 year old and i went into a spiral of sadness later my art improved a bit and i went on to find other inspirations however, as all of this was happening, i was becoming increasingly aware of my hatred for my appearance and myself. as i became obsessed with my friend, i felt like, "why couldn't i be as good as him? i'm useless" this was only a tiny part of it though. i moved almost every year so i always had to find new friends. as i became more introverted, i became more sensitive. so in 4th grade, i became friends with two people. now these guys were my best friends (however i also moved after 4th grade) anyway they would tease me right? so they would *JOKINGLY* call me ugly and stuff (i later went on to find out they liked me and they probably did that to cover it up but anyway) i was like "pFFT naw" but later on i was like "what if they're not joking?" so i increasingly started believing i was ugly and i didn't say "stoooop" because i knew i was being petty and sensitive also in that time period i was like the second most popular kid in the class because i was: a- somewhat confident b- was "good" at drawing c- was the smartest in the class d- liked fnaf (everyone was obsessed with it) later i became friends with the most popular kid in the class and i also looked up to her in the same way i did with my best friend online sooo later in 5th grade, i had two friends. so i was kinda upset that i had only two friends right? well one of those friends would go on to another school the next year and the other friend would become a narcissistic jerk. so in 6th grade, what i'm currently in, i have this narcissistic jerk as my best friend and she puts me down all the time and i only have one other friend who i don't trust as much and the only reason i'm still the narcissistic jerk's friend is because she might ruin my relationship with my bf at any moment also now i kinda have a mixture of bulimia and anorexia i dont eat breakfast or lunch, but i eat a lot of stuff after school now my BIGGEST problem is that... i honestly don't care? most people are like "im in so much pain i want to stop this" but me? after years of moving nonstop i've gotten a deep resentment for change i don't want to change i probably never will change rant over thanks if you read this far ahah,, hopefully this doesn't sound as edgy as i think it does
