Just use the mouse to move. That, and click to fire, plus space to activate your shield. SURELY you can learn these controls? Right? Good. Also, avoid all of the black walls too. That should help you.
Aside from what any rumor may say, there is NO Easter eggs in this game whatsoever. And even if there WAS, it would have NOTHING AT ALL to do with holding the 'P' key and hoping for something to happen.
