✦I know it's not the best idea to vent online; but I really need to get this off my chest. ✦I'm tired. I'm sick. I'm extremely stressed; my grandmother is currently in the hospital with heart issues and I can't function right now;; I'm extremely worried about her and I can't concentrate,, I can't focus in class anymore causing me to start to get lower grade and I'v been trying harder lately that I usually do. I haven't talked to anyone about this because I have no one to really talk too, my mom is the only one home pretty much and I'm sure'll she'll just give me some same advice like "not to worry" or "she'll be ok; focus in your studies" and I don't think I had ever understood how much my grandmother meant to me until now; and I know that sounds ruthless and mean, but it's true. I wouldn't have been able to move throughout my childhood with her, and to see her in that hospital bed hurt alot more than you'd think. I used to get tired of her and I regret that now, I love her more than anything and I can't lose her. It would demolish me. ✦I'm also tired and stressed with school; It's studies are getting harder as pass testing is getting through and I am afraid of failing. I don't want to let everyone down and I want to try to pass but it's harder than you would think. I am just having trouble with it. And today they slam this new idea on us without our votes and so now I'm stressed about that; It's something stupid to be stressed over but thanks to my anxiety that no one believes I have; it causes alot. The kids there are also stressful and can be quite mean with gossip and disrespect. ✦I'm also afraid I'll never pass in life; I'm hanging too much of my time in the past and I don't want/like to think about the present or future. It causes too many issues and clogs up my mind; but I can't leave everything of mine in the past; and I understand that. But I just..I don't want to move on. I want to keep being a child, a child who needs adult help and can't work on their own. I want to keep being that; as much as I hate to say it. I love my life don't get me wrong; but I.. don't want to grow up and face responsibilities and stupid rules. I enjoy being myself and I want to keep it that way. ✦I can't focus anymore; and when I think about anything I get upset, angry, or extremely sad. I've been this way for a week now (longer than I am usually) and I've been hiding it fairly well...I just want things to go back to the way they where before we had financial problems; health problems; stress & anxiety, etc... I just feel like I'm the big middle to this; I cause all the problems...
art//character - me song - eyelids - PVRIS
