I'll be going to her funeral on Thursday we'll be staying in a hotel so I might be gone longer... just letting yall know. Anyway I don't want your pity...just explain and move on k. Im afraid to go to the funeral..i don't want them to see me cry...ugh I know I have to be there for my family but seriously all those grieving people...my great grandmothers dead body in a casket...it gives me nightmares just thinking about it. Im afraid that i'll lose someone else...but I keep telling myself we all die at some point why does it matter? that use to help.. but now It doesn't anymore..it just scares me. I've been really short tempered..i almost seriously hurt my little brother today...I dunno pent-up anger?
Mk...where do I start...god um.. Well about a week before Christmas...I found out my great-grandmother had some form of cancer. I didn't cry..or anything I knew she was gonna die..and whats funny is that that if she'd never fell and broken her hip or elbow they would of never known she had cancer.. well we we're suppose to go and visit her and my other family for Christmas this year..but since she was sick we couldn't I never got too give her the rest of my letters...see I always wrote to my great grandmother since the lived in Arkansas..then yesterday I found out she was dead. I felt nothing...I didn't think much of it..but I ignored the emotions and went on with my life..but then...when everything got quiet...all the emtions hit me at once. I know im being pathetic and I have nothing to whine about..i barly know what loss is...but it bugs me cause I KNEW this woman..and now shes dead. She was so kind...and she was old ik she was gonna die but still...why does it hurt? I know it's not suppose to because I only saw her everyonce in a while..but it's like as soon as she died I became, depressed...angry and paranoid..and I dunno why..can someone explain this to me? Cause im confused...and what also bugs me..is this feeling..i could've given her more hugs...or wrote to her more..like I made a mistake..i never got to give her this picture I made..or the letters I wrote her..i never got to send them because I was too "BUSY" I just dunno.....she was the sweetest lady you'd ever meet. And now shes gone. She always sent me birthday cards and made the best chocolate gravy...and hugged me every time I saw her %$#@ This is depressing..i need to stop before I cry..it's like all the sunshine in my life has disappeared...the people who don't deserve it always get the most horrible of fates...funny isn't it?
