It was only a day ago, that I was sitting, talking to some people and they were talking about our ages. All I could think was I was 13, the time when I was always on edge, wanting to jump off a cliff, either happy or like a bomb, ready to set off, being angry and broken feeling... But it's been 2 years, I'm 15. It was suppose to get better. But instead it felt like I just jumped back into It's arms. It's never going to leave and I learned to be fine with that. But instead of holding me, I felt like it was just following, not being a bother. But it got worse and I can't say a thing about it. These promises are beginning to feel like rocks going down my throat and shoving my stomach out. Promises to tell if I'm ok. Promises to get stronger. Promises to become brave. Promises to make myself better, promises made to someone who wants to see my reach my goals and move past this. And then promises, hurting me. Promises to not say my feelings, promises to not speak, promises to keep quiet, promises to work better, promises to be a better sister, promises to not cry, promises to not let them see... I feel like there's two walls pushing against me, two worlds I want to be in and yet can't make a agreement.. Two worlds, both reality, one being a safe route with dangers to my mind and one route, dangerous but safe for my mind... Both being a battle. That I am getting closer to giving up at. Each step I take to being closer to happiness, a shove comes to push me back to where I started. And this never ending push and shove is wearing down on me.. I want help and yet no one can help.... Every time I want to say help, I see how lucky I am. I'm loved, housed, given gifts, money, school, food, a room, animals, toys, activities, events... I am not worthy to be upset.. I'm not worthy to cry.. To be upset...
please do not steal I am fine, please do not worry!
