song: demolition lovers by my chemical romance ~ I doubt anyone will read this but whatever. ~ Okay, so I've been really sad, and I'm considering taking a hiatus off of Scratch again. I'm almost a year older. I'm such a burden and I can't do anything to help anyone yet take care of myself. I can't deal with anything without breaking down and crying. The world is crashing down on me right now. I'm considering a lot of things. A lot of bad things. I'm so ready to leave this world. Before anyone preaches me on how the world isn't better off without me; that's not what I'm saying. I'm saying I'm better off without the world. I don't want sympathy, I don't want empathy, I just want numbness. I don't want to feel. Now, I promised to my very close friend that I wouldn't harm myself anymore and I intend to keep that promise for her; she's worth keeping that promise. But, I don't know how else to numb the pain. I'm honestly considering to stop eating. I'm fat and ugly anyway, so maybe that'll help. I don't know how else to numb pain other than those two ways. I don't want to go to a therapist. I don't want to 'see anyone' because they'll 'help.' Would they really 'help' me? Does anyone care about me enough to help me? I just... I don't want to be more of a let down or a burden than what I am, I don't want to make things worse than what they are and, I just, I don't know. I give up. I'll let the world consume me until I die. I'm sick and tired of living and if I could sleep, just sleep, forever, let the hard times pass, I'd be happier. But will these hard times ever pass? I don't think I can deal with being more of a burden, I'm already crying myself to sleep. Why don't I run away? Why don't I hurt myself? Why don't I stop the pain? Would that make things worse? Would that make things better? Would they miss me? Or would it just be one less mouth to feed? One less person who is helpless, an emotional wreck, and a burden help? Probably. I can't do anything and I have no talent or future. I don't even look like a 'Chloe'. I don't look like anyone, no one recognizes me or remembers my name. But who could blame them? They aren't wrong, all those assumptions are correct. I don't look like a Chloe, people can't put a name to my face, no one really knows what I look like. I don't have that type of purpose as other people do. I'm a nobody. A burden and a hopeless nobody. No one cares. No one ever did. No one ever will. I mean, I'm literally useless. I'm sensitive and shy and no one likes a person like that. Everyone hates me. Who am I kidding? I hate myself, too. I mean nothing. I;m just another face no one remembers and we all know that's true. When I left Scratch before literally no one cared and no one was sad at all. I doubt anyone has read to here and will comment, or even lie and say they care, They don't. I'm a waste of space. I'm useless. I'm fat. I'm ugly.
