This is really dumb, I'm sorry ;; I feel bad sharing vents because they're extremely personal and probably no one cares and that's fine, but just in case you are curious for some reason about my problems, feel free to keep reading :'0 this is tough to share since I'm not even comfortable talking to my irl friends about this, but I'm kinda about to explode. I really need to get this out. So I guess a bunch of strangers on the internet get to hear about it, which is an absolutely terrifying idea, but it's too late to back out now. Aight. * * * Two of my siblings are dead. My surviving sibling, my twin brother, has serious autism and is very low functioning. He is nonverbal and has extremely severe aggressive fits. My mom is probably the most clinically depressed human being on this dying rock of a planet, and my dad is always stressed out of his mind trying to hold the family together. My brother and I are both getting stronger with age while my parents get more frail. See? I think of them in terms of "my" parents, not "our" parents. It's like my brother isn't even a part of the family. How messed up is that? During tantrums, my brother hurts my parents. A lot. He bites and scratches them and himself to the point of drawing blood almost on a daily basis now. My dad has to restrain him in a chokehold so he doesn't seriously injure somebody. He's on a ton of medication, and barely any of it is working. It's so easy for people to forget that he's a person, and that honestly pisses me off. It's not even rational. I've hardly ever interacted with my brother. We've never had a conversation, never played any games together, anything. The most contact we've ever had was in first grade when he bit into my shoulder for a while and I couldn't get away. In our whole lives, we've pretty much never interacted. He can't help it, though. That's the thing. He's gone his entire life being practically unable to communicate or control most of his body directly. That's a horrible thing, and he's gotten through it. He's probably the bravest person I know, and I love him for that, even if I don't know him at all. But everything is falling apart, getting even worse than it has been already. He's getting too vicious. Yeah, "vicious". That's the word they use. Like he's some kind of misbehaving animal. Are they wrong? Maybe. I have no idea. He's not an animal, but maybe he does act like one. All I know is that I don't like it, but since when has my opinion mattered? My dad thinks it would be best if we send him away to live somewhere that's safer for him and for the rest of the family. That's right. He thinks we should kick him out of his home because he's too dangerous for the rest of us. Honestly, I can see his point, but that doesn't make it right by any means. It's a terrible thing to do, especially because my brother will understand it, and know it's his fault, and I think that's the worst thing that could happen. I feel awful for him, but I can't speak up about it. My mom doesn't want to send him away. She doesn't want to lose another child. I don't blame her, either. I'm just terrified that she and my dad are going to get divorced over it, and then god only knows what will become of my brother and me. This entire thing is a mess and it's horrible. I hate this. Sure, maybe I do like tight spaces and having my back against walls, but that's in a literal sense. I hate being figuratively trapped, especially in this stupid prison that I made for myself. So now I'm stuck at the time where it really matters, and I can't get out. Hate is a strong word, and I have a strong hate for that. I don't hate many things. I try not to. And it works. I usually avoid getting upset about things by just thinking about them from multiple perspectives. That's one of the few little things I pride myself on. I don't like cages if they're holding you back from things that you need to experience, though. Or worse yet, things that you feel like you need to - or are able to - prevent. * * * Okay,, thank you so much for reading that, if you actually did. I'm really sorry because it's stupid and edgy and there's nothing anyone online can do, but I just really had to get that out, if that makes sense. If anyone is reading this after all, don't feel like you have to say anything or try to help. I'm not looking for sympathy or comments saying "oh, I'm so sorry, that must suck". No. Please, please no. Thank you, though. I'll be okay. As I'm typing this, I'm literally trembling because I've never really shared these personal problems with anyone before, much less everybody on the internet. I'm begging anyone reading this to just be chill about it. I'm not even sure what that means, but... please. Okay. I'll probably unshare this later, actually, but for now I just feel like I need to have this out here. Everything's about as fine as it's able to be, though. I'm fine <333
