ketchup warnin i've come to this safe elogia sanctuary to vent because!! no one will see it im so tired of not being taken seriously i do have problems, i do have trust issues, i do struggle to keep breathing but none of that matters to anyone i don't feel appreciated or loved- like ever. but then when people /do/ reach out to me and /do/ try to love me, i push them away and reject it and i just don't understand why i can't feel happy anymore and maybe i do and i just Refuse to accept it but the truth as it may be, i dont believe people. you tell me you love me, i dont believe you, tell me im great, i don't believe you. tell me you want me alive and i don't believe you thats just how i am anger is a coping mechanism but that anger leads to guilt and sadness because whenever i get mad i slip up and say something stupid!! and then everyone hates me for a split second and i get so upset by it i get upset with /stupid small/ things if i accidentally break a rule everyone attacks me and makes me feel sick i get sick easily over these things sick because im guilty, sad, worried, nervous, anything and on top of that, i never get what i want. its always what other people want. when am i finally gonna have a win? or feel happy? i sound entitled but im a human being. i have needs like needs for acceptance. i dont feel accepted anywhere. and if you say you do i wont believe you. because no one has ever proved to me that they cared what am i to you? a prop? bodygaurd? joker? im more beneath the surface. a surface no one has bothered to touch- ever i wanna die but i can't. because thats not what people expect of me. and i've lived my entire life sucking up to people i care about. maybe i shouldn't care about anyone at all... song is all black fit by convolk
