I came here to clear messages, then spent like an hour looking at the people I followed, trying to see if they post on Insta but nah. They grew outta scratch too and probably were also not allowed to tell others where they were. And if they were, they’d be on DA and I don’t use DA anymore. It’s more of a portfolio now. But I haven’t posted since November. I really do wanna leave here. My content just isn’t kid friendly anymore (Nothing too bad, just profanities) and I don’t want to have my audience be majority kids under 14 again. But something about this site just keeps making me want to check up on it. Like it’s too nostalgic to leave alone. I was at my best here, but I was also at my worst. People loved what I had to offer and even though my days at school were lonely and filled with unknowing social anxiety, I always had friends and grateful followers to come home to. But at the same time, I was at my worst where I treated my friends badly without realizing it until it was too late, and the falling outs were completed. I just wish I had the good times I had as a kid again, and this website, along with a few others just happen to be huge parts of those times. Just...without me being toxic and having my friends be toxic to me in return. I haven’t had a friend group since then and honestly, I’m scared to have another in fear of repeating my bad behaviors that costed both my friend groups. But anyway, about this website, as much as I’d love to come back and relive being 12-14 again, I rather just stay put on Insta. I’ve tried coming back many times but the feeling would never come back. The followers that once supported me are gone, and so were the friends I had too. They don’t like me. I’m their abuser, and I’ve already regrettably declined all offers of help in the past. And even though I still get followers every day to this day, it still takes months for even a decent amount of those followers to even see that I posted. Reading this over and over again just makes me think I’m like...someone who peaked in high school and graduated, then years later still hangs out around the school because their life now wasn’t as fun as it was previously or whatever. So basically, I’m too old for this. I’m 19 now, and I feel very out of place here. I’ve always felt this way, but at least I did fit in. I was around everyone’s ages and still had the same mentality and “lol XD” sense of humor. Now cringe culture mentality has consumed me and I can’t stand that kid stuff no more. It reminds me of my past self. I know I keep coming back and then saying “I’m leaving” and then come back, but that’s the result of all this. Everything you just read is why I keep switching between staying and leaving.
Point is, I’m not coming back. I do check here often but that’s only because my life is sad now and I want to look back at a time where I was happy and carefree, and my only worry was getting grounded or starting an argument or whatever. Drawing by me. It’s a sketch from a drawing of Cee I did a few months back.
