Vent art October 11-15 2020 (Gore warning)

Instructions

Broken heart October 11: I want to help.. I can’t help... I am trying so hard.. Their tears and screams The fights I write I can’t seem to escape The cage The stage I’m trapped No one will ask if I’m okay.. I always put on a face I know no one will ever truly know my pain.. It rains My light is dimming The shadows are winning I’m trying and fighting But their is no denying I can’t keep going like this.. I am hiding the broken heartstrings I can’t feel joy unless I know everything will be alright I can tell they lie I am losing control I gave up my soul For my goals To keep my mother and sister happy.. Now I’m not sure what makes me happy... The fight October 11: Nothing seems right Why must they fight? I’m trying to help I don’t want to get in the way.. I hate seeing them like this My sister is so innocent I don’t want her to grow up like I did not truely knowing her father I have been going back and forth it seems almost like breathing in an out Two lives two mes No one sees both Infact there are so many mes that I’m not sure who I am The freindly me The family me The angery me So many not enough time I’m not sure why I care so much about what happens to my step father.. I can’t even breath when he is around He is walking on thin ice with a torch Our relationship is crumbling I’ve never bonded with a male to make me think of what a father should be.. I’ve never had someone to truly be their for my first That face was always my mother.. My stepdad might have been there but our relationship is so icy I have good memories with him I almos forget them right away... I feel like I can’t trust a man to be there for me... My real father thinks we are closer than two peas in a pod.. But then again he doesn’t know when to stop I may scream and cry and tell him NO! But he will never learn my social ques My body language is harder for him to read than Russian I stiffen up and pull away and he keeps dragging me back.. He can’t draw a line! I can’t stand males in my life.. the only males I trust and even then they are not father figures are my Grandpa and Horseback riding instructor! They did and cared more for me then my fathers combined! I’m not sure what to think anymore... My mind is a maze with no way in or out I fear things that make so sense,. My heart is a battle ground ripping its self apart while it’s trying to heal... I don’t know how to feel anymore... Burning October 11: Why why does everything burn! You try to help and you get screamed at! I get your upset! My mother is upset to! Why cat you just take help!! We don’t want to hurt you or desert you! You don’t deserve us! We have done nothing but try to help you! I’ve played with fire The smoke is rising higher I feel as if I’m suffocating! I want to help I want to be there but there is nothing but fire It surounds be I feel my heart begin to burn As I learn that pride Is nothing but fire! I can’t escape when everyone wants to use pride to keep themselves from being ‘weak!’ Why cant you just let me in.... I just want to help Save me October 11: Sorry for so many vents in one day but I’ve been having bad feelings The iced wolf/cat or whatever u see in it is supposed to me my family they don’t understand the fire engulfing me the ice represents the little bubbles people let themselves get trapped in and/or the misunderstandings that they get when speaking to someone such as myself. The fire represents the anger depression and loneliness engulfing my mind and burning inside me. See this however you want tbh I am proud of the effects I like the original sketched cats better tbh The Demon Within October 13: I got mad and in the time i calmed down i drew this i get mad easily and especially right now and with the stress of a recent parent fight having to go back to my homophobic school and bad grades one wrong step and i can go berserk. I am trying to keep a light heart but right now its hard... I cant really bring myself to do anything and i haven’t been eating well or at all. I’m not sure how much more i can take before i break down again... I don’t want the support i need I an struggling to figure out who I am as a person. Things have been so toxic recently i haven’t been able to sit down and truly just relax. Drawing now is something to pass time and I’m starting to loose interest in everything... I dont want to but that is what is happening and I feel like at any moment the sky will come crashing down on me and I can’t escape.. Ive never let things go easily weather its something petty like a grudge or a question on a homework or something... my anger is a literal demon and i become someone else when I’m angery. i dont like it but its me.. I’m not angry at what happend today and this is not a calling out post or anything i just needed to write and draw something out to get this pent up aggression out somehow