Vent?

Instructions

[TW for mentions of death] So this is kinda a weird vent that I doubt many people will see,, I'm sorry if it seems rushed, it was 1 AM when I started writing this cause I wanted to sleep :( edit: finished, it's 2:32 AM -- I honestly just feel like I'm at a low point in my life right now - I'm doing fine but at the same time it feels like I'm not (wow edgy amirite?). I've been having a lot of mood swings. That's the best I can put it. One day I'm feeling good about myself and the next I just feel upset over something I can't place my finger on. This has been happening for a while, at least a few months now, and I absolutely hate it. On top of that, the pandemic hasn't been treating me well either. Or anyone, in that case. Being stuck inside your house for nearly a whole year, only going out to maybe shop and whatnot - it's just annoying. I feel bored, tired and lonely. I have a lot of people I could turn to, but constantly I'm nagged by the thought of: 'What if I'm annoying? What if they hate me and I don't realize that yet?" I feel like taking that huge break from Scratch made me lose a couple of friends. Most of them are still here, it just seems we've drifted apart, or they've become busy with things like school. That's why I'm hoping reviving my dead roleplays will bring some of them back, since I'm too paranoid to talk to them myself. Day after day I usually have nothing to look forward to, because I just don't have anyone to talk to. There were also some devastating losses this year. I discovered nednilclan had passed away not too long ago - and boy did I feel awful. I remember being jealous of her art a while back. I just felt horrible that I never talked to her or got to know her that well. Even being jealous, she still inspired me greatly, and I strove to improve my art. Now every time I'm scrolling through something like animation memes and see her name, I just get this pang of guilt in my heart. Ned, wherever you are, I hope you're okay. Another loss was, well, one of my dogs. I don't remember if I posted that I had any dogs on here, but she was a mix between a german shepherd and another dog. My family owned her since I was born. I never figured out if her actual name was Boo-Boo or Little Bit. She was 14 years old, and passed away this year from UTI. We tried treating her but it was hard as she was old, and struggled more. She barely swallowed her medicine, most of the time just threw it back up. We decided after a while of many trips to the vet that we shouldn't have to let her suffer from that any more. I don't know if I can say what we did, but we went to the vet and.. yeah :( I felt bad for our basset hound especially. Him and Little were best friends, so you can probably imagine how sad he was. Every time we had to take her to the vet, he'd start wailing at the door. Though, the good news is that we did get a new dog just a few days ago. Her name is Willow! We believe she's a mix between a golden lab and something else. Our basset was jealous of all the attention she got at first, but they became friends quick ^^ (we did wait before getting a new dog. we let our basset and ourselves grieve, it was two months or more before we saw the opportunity for a new one. willow was abandoned TWICE, and she's only 11 months old - so we felt like we just had to get her, we just felt awful. this will be her first christmas!) There were a lot of other losses this year but I'm not sure if I could write about them all. Most of this hasn't taken a good toll on my mental health,, I really hope 2020 will be over soon. -- boy uh,, I'm sorry for going out with all of that. I haven't had any other place to vent for a while. There was a lot more I wanted to type, but I couldn't find my words on it - and plus I'm exhausted. I'm hoping these feelings will go away soon. maybe 2021 will be better, or worse. Kinda sucks being Gen Z, knowing as you get older the world's just gonna be a mess that was stomped and spit on.