arm go shatter
Michael Gray - The Weekend i'm putting the rant back because i feel like it. Why do I keep making these useless throwaway accounts? It's for practice. It's just a joke fan account. Ha... but none of that is true. I do it for attention. I feel dissatisfied with the declining relevance of my main account, as if I'm entitled to anything, anything at all. And the feeling of a brand new account makes every love, favorite, and comment praising my work feel more valuable. But the novelty wears off quickly. Obviously, if I even tried, I could garner more attention there, but I refuse it because I am never able to make myself put in the work. When I do receive it, I'm numb to it. I say I'm bad. Terrible. All in an attempt to guilt people into saying that I am good, I am worth something, in a forced obligation to make this pathetic person feel better. I hate it. I hate myself for feeling like this, but it's just a cycle of self pity and selfishly feeling bad for myself. In reality, I'm not actually bad or lacking in any way, but I'm not special either. I am nothing remarkable, I'm just... good enough. I'm on par. The bottom line. Another faceless nobody account to blend in with the dozens upon dozens of frankly unoriginal and bland animation accounts all pining after rbop or people similar. But there's nothing wrong with that, people can admire those more talented than them. But do I? No. To a feverish extent, I am jealous. Of course I'm jealous! I think about how much I've done and how far I've come and how pitiful it is in the face of those who are so much better than me in every way. Every one of these accounts is tainted, because I believe that the only way to make a name for myself is to copy others and leech off of their success. I deeply envy everyone around me because I know that if I really try, I could reach heights such as theirs, but I don't. I choose not to. Because I am too busy wallowing in self regret and loathing. Disgusting. And here I am, telling you about my pathetic feelings on an account nobody will see, in a long stretch of words no one will read. And if you do manage to reach the end here, I don't want your kind words. Your sympathy, or your pity. I want you to understand that I despise this account and everything it is about. Every comment saying that I'm talented and my art is good feels false and hollow, because they do not praise me, but my flattened approximation of what once was. I am no great person. Not really.
