I don't even know anymore. This is probably really really stupid. TW: This contains some heavy-ish topics such as stress, anxiety, body-weight, and more. Please take care. Okay, so I've noticed that I am only getting like 3 views per project and I have 500+ followers. Which makes me kind of sad. I'm not looking for fame but, you would think that if you have a lot of followers some people would at least see your projects. Scratch has always been a safe place for me and I love talking to my followers and stuff so this really breaks my heart. And I know the quality of these has been deteriorating but it's because I don't know what to post really. I would do a DTA or something, but I already have a MAP open, so please check that out. I will probably be posting some more song covers and art. My anxiety has also spiked and I can't stop thinking. Thinking about how much better everyone is than me. I've started to notice everything wrong with me. I have become overly insecure about my acne, my face shape, how my hair is too thick and too long (it only comes down to my shoulders), my body. My perfectly healthy body that after many years of being underweight, is finally at the healthy and weight. My perfectly healthy body that I feel is not good enough. My perfectly normal body that I feel unhappy in. My female body that I wish could change into something in between. Something neither female nor male. My body that even though it appears female, from day to day I sometimes feel as if I belong in a gender-neutral one, while other days I feel normal in. My grades are dropping because I can't focus and I have been too scared to ask about taking medication for my ADHD so that maybe, just maybe, I can pass my classes. I have a brain that constantly tells me that "You're not good enough" or "Don't eat that, it will make you fat" and "You're friends don't want to be around you. You're loud and annoying", "Why do you act differently around your friends, like you are hiding something. You have nothing to hide so be yourself" and so much more. And I isolate myself away from my family, drawing, reading, writing, and creating in my room all day. Only coming out for food or school because I can't deal with the stress that I put onto myself. The stress that makes me feel the need to be perfect all the time and act a certain way because people don't want to see your true self, they want to see who they want you to be. I have a poem that I wrote which I will put below in the Notes and Credits. I am just feeling so many emotions right now and I kind of want to quit Scratch or start over on a new account but I just don't know... I keep checking my irl friends' scratch accounts and watch as their following soars and whenever I see them irl, I notice how pretty they are and how I will never look as good as they do.
A Boy's Room, A Girl's Room Poem by @lemon-guitar My younger brother sits in the room, sharing his lego creations while the people around him smile and laugh kindly I sit off to the side with a notebook in hand, doodling and bringing my stories to life The people don't understand the games he talks about, but laugh along anyways He's young He's a boy No one walks over to ask what I'm doing and though I often don't like to be disturbed, I long for someone to spill my ideas to But I'm a teen I'm a girl Finally, someone comes over to me, I get excited and show them my watercolor paintings, and as I sit there with a gleaming smile They stand there uninterested All they want to do is see my bedroom, I redid it a few months ago They are going to see my brother's as well A girl's room A boy's room They look at his navy and gray walls, covered in space posters depicting planets and stars they congratulate and ask him about Tae Kwan Doe A child's room A boy's room It's my turn to share They look at my mint walls strung with fairy lights A teen's room They look at my shelves filled with books A girl's room They glance at my jewelry box, filled with necklaces I never wear A teen's room But, as they glance at my cluttered desk, their mood changes And as I show them the rocks and found objects that I find special, They fake a smile Like when a toddler shows you a drawing, and even though it is just scribbles you have to say it's good you have to lie to them to show them you care I show them my Dungeons and Dragons stuff and they fake the smile again And as they look over at my cosplay wig, the one I love so much, they frown "do you wear THAT" I smile awkwardly and say yes And even though they don't say it, I get the message A child's room A boy's room Those are good But a girl's room A teen's room That, shouldn't look like a boy's room
