so, this vent is probably my most serious and much more about me writing it down and coming to terms with it than wanting input. i won't stop you from reading it, and i won't feel bad or ashamed or anything if you do or if you make a comment about it. i'm just not encouraging it this time 'round, and it's not one of the reasons i'm uploading this. this one talks about homophobia, transphobia, and racism, so if the discussion of those topics triggers you than i suggest you not read any further. thank you for your time. So, i have intrusive thoughts. most people do, and that is something most people have to come to terms with at one point or another. if you dont know what an intrusive thought is, as the name implies it's a thought you dont want to think. some people even punish themselves for thinking these things (wich no matter how bad, it is not a good thing to do). some people have inappropriate intrusive thoughts, some people have murderous intrusive thoughts, but most people have a mixture of things, one could assume. a very normal, or average intrusive thought is when you get the reflex to throw something for no reason. you know it will break, you know there is no reason to, but you want to. its also the voice or feeling that tells you to open the car door when the car is moving, which is a very common intrusive thought among children. i have these of course, but i also have ones that i'm not so proud of. infact, i am extremely ashamed that i have these thoughts. they go against what i believe and against my moral compass. i get very pressed when i think these things, and i dont believe any of them to be true. please if you have read this far, do not think of me any differently or judge my character based off of these things. they are something i cannot or do not know how to control, and i would never purposefully think these things let alone act or speak on any of them. my intrusive thoughts tend to be homophobic, transphobic, and/or racist. i do not think it is an internalization of any of these things, as i am openly part of the lgbtq+ community, and support both that and BLM. but that voice in the back of my head, the intrusive thoughts, the ones i do not choose to have nor have any choice over, say things like that. it NEVER gets as bad to were i would be a danger to anybody or myself. my intrusive thoughts dont defend the actions of people who have murdered any black person, or any lgbtq+ member. it does not support conversion therapy, which is something that figuratively keeps me up at night. shifting focus on the lgbt part in particular, cause i can articulate my thoughts on it much better. i have a trans uncle, i have a trans friend (hi haru if you're reading this-) , there are plenty of genderqueer people at my school and that i associate myself with in or out of it, i myself identify as genderflux feminine (im still figuring it out though, might be a vent/rant of its own at some point). but i still find it hard to use only they/them pronouns, or to use xhe/xer / any non traditional pronouns. i do not judge anybody that uses any of these, but even if i created the character myself i accidentally use the wrong pronouns. i have never done this to an offensive degree (i really hope so anyway), and i am not happy with myself for it and try hard to improve. but when i see somebody, specifically a non-binary person, the intrusive thoughts point out every thing that makes them look like a girl or a boy. and i hate it. "oh she- THEY- wears lots of makeup and dyes her- THEIR- hair and he- THEY- has lots of stubble and a very muscular build and bla bla bla im a bigot." that to an extent is the intrusive thoughts i get. i have not brought this up to my therapist, my mom, or my cousin who i consider to be a very open person to talk to when i dont want to talk to an adult. the reason that im writing this, and the reason that im posting this, is to come to terms with it and accept it for myself. the first step to solving something is admitting there's a problem, and that is what i am doing here. thank you for your time, and thank you for reading all of this, i hope you dont think differently of me and if you do, im sorry and i hope you can forgive me. i wont be mad if you cant, or if you choose to not associate yourself with me from now on. that is understandable, and in that case for those it may bother to that point, i am sorry that i did not make this vent sooner.
