okay quick warning, this is gonna be a long one. i need to get a lot of stuff out. first off and most importantly i dont think ive shared this, but i have adhd and aspergers (both diagnosed) and its not the best thing in the world. i also tend to get really bad anxiety when i do literally ANYTHING. posting an audition, some art i made, COMMENTING ON A PROJECT. i cant even comment on anything without having to think about it for at least 5 minutes a time. and no, im not exaggerating. im 100% serious about this. so yeah theres some info about me. ive also had a lot of trouble with who i am recently. i havent really felt like.. me. this may be due to the amount of accounts i try to be active on (at least 5), since some of them arent even related to each other. i dont know. i also dont know who i really am anymore if that makes sense. im constantly unhappy with my username. my previous username was @myxenta. i havent shared it here because i hate it i hate that name and i hate that acount i hate everything about it and i dont even know why. before i made that account i was myxteriex. (pronounced myxteries/mysteries. i never decided on that. i also own that account on scratch but never really used it for anything.) i decided it was dumb so i changed to myxenta. before that i was just myx. (myx being pronounced the same way as mix. just to clarify.) and before that i have a whole list of names. more than i should. im never happy with myself im always trying to improve trying to be better im expected to be perfect in school (which i am, its easy) and so i expect myself to be perfect which i know ill never be. im always chasing something ill never catch up to. like a cat chasing a laser pointer. ill never catch the red dot moving around, no matter how bad i want to. its like me trying to not annoy people. i apologize for anything. i try to provide reasons for things i do that dont need reasons. i try to explain everything i ever do. because i dont want to annoy or bother others. and guess what now im unsure about that too! now im starting to think that thats anooying a s well. Oh, an take a wild guess at wha caused me to start oing that. School. People straight up saying TO ME that I'm annoying. Multiple times. And honestly.. I can't handle it. I have trust issues. I have a fear of people not liking me. I have a fear of being annoying. I have thoughts I don't want. I've started to blame myself for things. I'm starting to think people are lying to me when they say something positive i literally cant go a single day without panicking over something im scared and i dont know why i dont know a lot of things, actually. to make things worse, i dont really have any friends (at least, i dont think i do) that i can talk to. my (very few) irl friends i cant contact bc i dont have my phone and im too nervous to actually talk to people so i cant make friends online im going to be entirely honest. i hate being myself. and its been like this even before i posted that other notice. i dont know if im okay this may all be an effect of something. but i dont know what. its probably something my memorys repressing. something ive done. because ive only just realized my memory issues. but i dont know i dont really know anything anymore. and all of this is just the start of my problems. id just like someone to talk to. i have a lot of things ive never talked about to anyone and itd be nice to let some of them out.
