if only (vent and lyrics)

Instructions

i feel like crying all the time.i dont know what my brain is thinking, it's all blurred. my grades are lowering a lot, im failing tests, i cant control my mental health, im losing everything. everything is spiraling downhill. the only thing at school that makes me feel alright is a hug from my friend. everything makes me cry. stress, happiness, anger, even my friends. it makes me cry. im literally crying right now lol to the people offline, i just feel like a bad friend.i dont hate them, i swear. but the fact that they ask over and over makes me doubt my friendship with them. they say im obsessed with my phone, and mamamoo and loona and dreamcatcher (kpop) and my online friends but this is the only few things that make me feel alive. if i didn't find any of these things in my life, im sure i would be more sad. dead, even. my brain is suffering, but no one can see past my face. i put on this fake smile, as if i was put at gunpoint. if only i could tell them, i wouldn't have this burden. they dont know how much more pain i would be in if i didnt know any of my friends online; it just makes me sad how most (except for one) of the irl friends who make me happy and feel real when im not on my phone 24/7 have been online for over a year because... yeah. i havent seen their face for more than a year, and i cant bear the fact im starting to forget what they look or sound like. i spend all my time that i can online; playing games; chatting with friends; and if i didnt id probably lose my sanity. i wouldn't be where i am today without anyone ive met overseas. i want people who love me for who i am i want someone to help. not just to stand and watch and say that “ its okay, you'll get over it. ive been through worse if i can be more sad than you then you can shut up and think before you speak” and to think that they almost made me lose everything i built up because they almost reported me as a joke, terrified me. yet, they just said i was obsessed. that i should take a break from my phone, from everything. over and over again every single day i hear the words "do you hate me?" "oh, you hate me." I swear, I don't hate them. i dont know how to hate, i dont know what it means to hate someone. i only know what it's like to stumble and fall, unable to get back up. but now im not fallen anymore, but its like im balancing on a thin wire, the only thing keeping me from falling off are my friends cheers from 4,000 or more km away.