Hello everyone. I'm issuing an apology about all the mistakes I did on Scratch, mistakes that costed me and mistakes that costed others. First of all, I would like to apologize for my self-destructive behavior. Remember when I said that I'm a "failure" and a "terrible" scratcher? Yeah, that's not a good thing to say even though the insults are directed only to myself. Along with other self-destructive practices I made such as taking the decision to either leave or stay on Scratch too seriously, self-deprecation, refusing to forgive myself, pushing myself too hard and so on. Speaking of leaving and returning to Scratch, I'm really sorry for causing a lot of confusions among people who look up to me, and especially when I keep deleting my accounts every time I leave Scratch, and make a new account when I come back to Scratch because I can't make up my own mind. Well, I don't think the problem is that I can't make up my own mind, it's that I'm taking the decision too seriously and I'm making the decision way too black and white. I should start questioning myself about why this is a big deal, then realize I'm irrationalizing. I have been trying to quit Scratch so many times, but the truth is, is that leaving Scratch is really hard no matter how reasonable it is. The truth about it, is that Scratch has been part of my childhood since 2014 and I still use it to this day despite its flaws. The truth is, is that it's really hard to detach from my childhood and trying to detach my childhood hurts emotionally a lot. Addressing about my self-destructive behavior, I need to point out that I have low self-esteem and because of that, I have tendency to go hard on myself and sabotage myself. When it comes to tasks such as Colored Black, I feel like I'm obligated to be active on Scratch or the tasks will fail, and honestly, it causes a lot of stress on me. I can work on these tasks for a bit, but if I work on them for a long time, I feel like moving on because I'm not feeling at ease. It's not just the tasks that stress me out but it's also the thought of having to do these tasks that make me feel uneasy. Which is why I find myself leaving Scratch because I can't stand with these thoughts. However, if I leave Scratch, I'll miss out the potential fun I can have with it along with the detachment of my childhood. So yeah... this is where I realized that the decision is not going anywhere, and I had a thought that I should go freestyle with my Scratch journey, besides, I come on Scratch to have fun. If there's an idea that I really would like to do, then do it. If I don't find myself enjoying the current task anymore, abandon it. I should try to find that will work the best for me. I should also remember to never hesitate to go inactive if I need it. I should never let the stress get the best out of me. So yeah, because of the fact that it hurts so much to detach from my childhood no matter how reasonable it is, I'm going to stay on Scratch because I don't want to miss out the potential fun. Scratch is such a unique website, there's no good alternative that would fit my sweet spot, and I don't want to lose the opportunity to have fun on that unique website. I should stay on Scratch because I don't see website like this that hits my sweet spot so well and because detaching from my childhood is way too painful. While I'm staying on Scratch, I should respect myself more, never hesitate to go inactive if I'm stressed out, and never hesitate to go freestyle and do something that is enjoyable for me. Again, I'm sorry for being so self-destructive and making everyone worried about me, and I'm sorry for causing confusion with the whole quitting, deleting account, new account and coming back loop. I'm holding myself full accountabiilty and I own up my mistakes. I shouldn't be so pushy to myself and I shouldn't took Scratch so seriously and such a big deal. If you read all of these, thank you for listening. Feel free to form your opinion and don't hesitate to criticize me. I'm not begging you to forgive. I'm leaving up to you if you really want to forgive me or not, again I'm holding myself full accountability, so I should accept rejection of forgiveness. Again, thanks for listening.
