This is kai writing ..... Most people are fine with saying, "Oh my life sucks. Oh I have such-and-such Disorder. My mom hates me." But I have a little bit of a harder time being weak. I don't try to be aggressive, I just try to be cute, or cuddly, that one little guy that everyone likes... But I'm none of that. I'm not likeable in any way, shape, or form. You see... I have a very hard time being myself. I put on some special facade, because I want people to like me. Please like me! Please??? But the truth is, I'm fairly emotionally detached. And unstable. I have no drive in life, no reason to wake up in the morning. And it's really hard to keep trying to wedge myself in situations so I can find one. People play with me until I get boring, then they drop me. It's a system. Over and over. And over again. Every day is the same as the last day I wake up and do what I'm supposed to not because I care about the future, but because something tells me I have to do it I feel the same emotions everyday and I think the same irrational thoughts. Is he mad at me? Is he bored of me? What about him? He hasnt spoke to me did I do something wrong? Am I worth it? Do people really like me? Or am I the butt of the joke? Should I eat a pill? I mean I'm 5 months clean, but should I? Probably I will! I don't know if I can survive my arguing emotions Mood swings kill the minds of the weak and I am weak-minded. It doesn't take much to startle me. Scare me. Infuriate me. Upset me. Push me, wuss. Do it. Ain't that reason you threaten to beat me? Ain't it the whole reason you mistreat me? What hurts me most is people don't confirm my thoughts, so I think I have a ray of hope! And then I'm let down when that hope I had is shattered which it always is I get by rear kicked dang near everywhere. I try SO hard to be the likeable little guy But I couldn't do it!! My emotions wouldn't commit me!!! Anxiety. Stress. Hatred. "You will do your work. And you will pretend you like life." "You're vulnerable. Don't defend yourself, because you can't." "Don't try anything funny, because you can't outrun me.' I would kill for a reason to live. But I don't know the reason. I'm always sad... So when you ask me how I'm doing? I'm sad! Just sad. Unhappy....
