The Islanders: Innocent Baby Maniac (@innocent_baby_maniac) Jake the mad scientist (no account) Tired Bean (me!) ============================================= Tired: What time is it? Jake: I don't know, pass me that saxophone and we'll find out. Jake: *plays saxophone loudly and out of tune* IBM: WHO THE **** IS PLAYING THE SAXOPHONE AT 2 IN THE MORNING?! Jake: It's 2am. ============================================= Tired: If Jake and I were drowning, who would you save? IBM: You two can't swim? Jake: It's a hypothetical question IBM! Who would you save? IBM: My time and effort. ============================================= Tired: Are you sure this is the right direction? Jake: Certainly, I'm as sure as I am honest! IBM: In that case, we're definitely lost. ============================================= Tired: We need a distraction. Jake: Is anyone here good at jumping up and down and making weird noises? IBM, whispering: My time has come ============================================= Tired: What if I press the brake and gas at the same time? Jake: The car takes a screenshot. IBM: For the last time, get the **** out. ============================================= The Islanders are trying to con some random guy Tired: Um, Jake, why are you pretending I'm this guy's family? Jake: We need money! Tired: You're scamming him? Jake: I was thinking more like flat-out stealing from him? Tired: What?! No way! Jake: Why not? We already stole IBM! IBM: Hey guys! Tired: No, we didn't. IBM can think and talk for himself, he can do whatever he wants! IBM: I wanna steal! ============================================= Tired: If I accidentally sat on a voodoo doll of myself, would I be trapped forever in that position, doomed to starve to death? Jake: How am I supposed to know? IBM: You say, as if we don’t use you as a source of knowledge of the occult. Jake: *sighs* Jake: You wouldn't be trapped. ============================================= The Islanders are playing Among Us Tired: Don't worry, I got a plan. Jake: Alright. Tired: TraitorSayWhat? IBM: Excuse me? Tired: What? Jake: ... Tired: ... Tired: No wait- ============================================= Tired: Jake and I were crossing the street, and this dude drove by and honked at us IBM: *Sighing* What did Jake do? Tired: They chased him to the next red light, then reached into his window and... Jake: Who wants a steering wheel? ============================================= Tired: Do you ever want to talk about your emotions, Jake? Jake: … No. IBM: I do! Tired: I know, IBM. IBM: I’m sad! Tired: I know, IBM. ============================================= Tired: Are you the big spoon or the little spoon? Jake: I'm a knife. IBM, from across the room: They're the little spoon. ============================================= Tired: Sometimes I drink milk straight out of the container. Jake: The cow??? Tired: What? IBM: Jake, W H Y? ============================================= Tired: Fitness tip: never stop pushing yourself. Some say 8 hours of sleep is enough. Why not keep going? Why not 9? Why not 10? Strive for greatness. Jake: Next time you’re working out do 15 push ups instead of 10. Run 3 miles instead of 2. Eat a whole cake instead of just a slice. Burn your ex’s house down. You can do it. I believe in you. IBM: There were so many mixed messages in that I can’t- ============================================= Tired, to Jake: My life is in the hands of an idiot! Jake, motioning to himself and IBM: No no no no no, TWO idiots! ============================================= Tired, driving Jake and IBM: So how was your day? Jake: We almost got surprise adopted! Tired: What? IBM: We almost got kidnapped. Tired: Oh, okay. Tired: *slams on the breaks* WAIT WHAT?! ============================================= Tired: Tell Jake about the birds and the bees. IBM: They're disappearing at an alarming rate. ============================================= Tired: HELP! I TOLD IBM I’D COOK DINNER TONIGHT BUT I CAN’T COOK! Jake, pouring milk directly into the cereal bag: And you thought I could help? ============================================= Jake: So, what, now I’m just supposed to do anything that IBM does? I mean, what if they jumped off a cliff? Tired: If IBM were to jump off a cliff, they would’ve done their due diligence regarding the height of the cliff, the depth of the water, and the angle of entry, so yes. If you see IBM jump off a cliff, by all means, jump off a cliff. Jake: You jump off a cliff! Tired: Gladly. Provided IBM did first.
Jake: Dandelions symbolize everything I want to be in life IBM: Fluffy and dead with a gust of wind? Jake: Unapologetic. Hard to kill. Feral, filled with sunlight, bright, beautiful in a way that the conventional and controlling hate but cannot ever fully destroy. Stubborn. Happy. Bastardous. Friends with bees. Highly disapproving of lawns. Full of wishes that will be carried far after I die. Tired: Edible. ============================================= Tired: I love you guys, you're the best thing that's happened to me. IBM: We're the best thing that's ever happened to you? Tired: Yes! Jake: I'm starting to feel a little sorry for you. ============================================= Tired: Why are you on the floor? IBM: I'm depressed. IBM: Also I was stabbed, can you get Jake, please. ============================================= Tired: What do you think IBM will do for a distraction? Jake: He’ll probably, like, make a noise or throw a rock. That’s what I would do. *Building explodes and several car alarms go off* Jake: ... or he could do that. ============================================= *Tired and IBM sitting in jail together* IBM: So who should we call? Tired: I’d call Jake, but I feel safer in jail. ============================================= Tired: In my defense, I was left unsupervised. IBM: Wasn't Jake with you? Jake: In my defense, I was also left unsupervised. ============================================= Tired: WHY. why did you give Jake a KNIFE?! IBM: I’m sorry. He said he felt unsafe. Tired: Now I feel unsafe! IBM: I’m sorry. IBM: ... would you like a knife? ============================================= Tired: If you had to choose between IBM and all the money I have in my wallet, which would you choose? Jake: That depends, how much money are we talking about? IBM: Jake! Tired: 63 cents. Jake: I'll take the money. IBM: JAKE!!! ============================================= *The Islanders are getting into the car* Tired: I’m driving. IBM, out of view: Shotgun! Jake, turning to face IBM: Aww! But you had it on the way here- Everyone except IBM: WOAH- IBM, holding a shotgun: No! I found a shotgun! And I want the front seat! *Pumps gun* ============================================= *The squad is having dinner together* Tired: IBM, can you pass the salt? IBM: *Throws Jake across the table* ============================================= Tired: You're 'the second worst thing to ever happen to those orphans', what does that mean? IBM: It means i was second worst thing to happen to those orphans. Tired: but what’s the first worst thing? *Awkward pause* IBM: Tired, they...they weren’t always orphans. Tired: ... ============================================= IBM: *Stubs their toe* ****! Jake: Mind your language! IBM: What else am I supposed to say, “Woe is I”??? Jake: ... IBM: You have to accept that cuss words are necessary sometimes. ============================================= Tired: You know, I'm starting to regret showing you how that blender works. IBM, drinking toast: Why do you say that? ============================================= Tired, addressing The Islanders: And if you have any suggestions feel free to put them in the suggestion box. IBM: But – that’s just a trash can. Tired: It sure is! ============================================= Jake: How do I deal with my enemies? IBM: K!ll them. Jake: That's a bit extreme, I was hoping for a more passive solution... IBM: K!ll them only a little? ============================================= *Tired and IBM are doing something absurdly dangerous* Tired: I think Houdini did something like this once! Why, if I recall correctly, he was out of the hospital in no time! IBM, deadpan: Well that's encouraging. ============================================= Tired: I was arrested for being too cool. Jake: The charges were dropped due to a lack of supporting evidence. ============================================= Tired: You saved me. I owe you my life. Jake: No thanks. I’ve seen it and I’m not very impressed. ============================================= Tired: So what’s for dinner? Jake, staring at the food he just burnt: Regret. ============================================= Tired: I'm 10 times funnier and sexier than you Jake: 10 times 0 is still 0 though Tired: Jokes on you, I can't do math ============================================= Tired: *holding a bottle* Is this whiskey or perfume? Jake: *chugs entire bottle* Jake: It’s perfume. ============================================= Tired: Must be hard not being able to laugh Jake: I do have a sense of humor you know Tired: I’ve never heard you laugh before Jake: I’ve never heard you say anything funny ============================================= Tired: So what do you do? Jake: I work in genetic research, and I'm currently trying to eliminate all Cancers. Tired: Wow, impressive. Jake: Then I'll move on to Leos.
