Dear friends, i have something to let you all know. I’m considering leaving scratch...it’s just getting to hard. This past years been tough for me and i cant balance my mental health, tons of over due assignments, and my multiple scratch accounts. Scratch is hurting me with memories i long to remember but desperately wish didnt hurt so bad. This may be the hardest thing ive ever done. I want to be happy. I dont like this feeling. I dont want to do this. The amount of times I’ve cried and wanted it to end. The amount of times i told my parents, therapists, and nurses i was okay when i hurt so bad deep down. The amount of tears ive held in when i wanted to cry. Scratch holds some of my best and worst memories. I hope i do make it to japan some day. I hope i get a job. I hope I live alone in a apartment, a nice tidy one. I want so much but have so little effort. I refuse to help myself. Music. It’s my love and my pain. Some music makes me feel like ill be okay. Then agian I’m always drawn to music that hurts me. I’m self destructive. I lie. I attention seek. I present myself as things I’m not because deep down, i hate my self. I hate myself more than i hate all of my enemies. These people make me mad, because i know I’m just as bad. I hurt people with words. People love me occasionally, and i dont know why. Everything stresses me out. I refuse to sleep till its 1:00 in the morning and there’s school in 3 hours. I disrespect my body because i think it will make me happy. I rip myself apart hoping the blood will help me feel better. I watch anime dreaming of one day not having to do so to feel happy. It’s all that i long for anymore. It’s always on my mind. So friends...no..People who dont truly know how terrible i am. It was nice while it lasted.
