!!tw: some mentions of murder!! *the squad is at a dinner party but someone has been murdered* Neptune: You’re acting pretty carefree for someone who’s life’s at stake. Who’s to say you aren’t the killer? Fizz: It’s a murder, not a tax audit. I’ll be fine. Theo: What about Clive? Nobody ever suspects Clive! Clive: Well what about Percy? They have a gun! Percy: Neptune has a knife. Neptune: Yeah, for fun, not for murder! *stabs Theo in the arm* (the fact neptune is my helluva boss OC who works with the I.M.P. makes this so much better) Clive: You really put aside everything and came all this way for me? How did you even get here so fast? Theo: Several traffic violations. Fizz: Three counts of resisting arrest. Neptune: Roughly thirteen cans of energy drinks. Percy: Also, that’s not our car. Neptune: How would you like your pancakes? Percy: Plain. Clive: With sprinkles! Theo: Chocolate chips. Fizz: Potatoes. *Percy, Clive, and Theo look at Fizz* Fizz: What? They're good. Fizz: What did you guys get in your yearbook? Percy: 'Prettiest Smile' Theo: 'Nicest Personality' Neptune: 'Most likely to start a bar fight' Clive: 'Least likely to start a bar fight, but most likely to win one' (THIS FITS SO WELL OMG THIS FITS WAY TOO WELL) Clive: Theo's first detention, I'm so proud. Fizz: Whoa, back up. Why did they get detention? Neptune: Because they're an idiot. Percy, terrified: They can do that?? Theo: If you put a milkshake in one yard and crack open a cold one in another yard, which yard would the boys go to? Neptune: Schrödinger's boys. Clive: ****! Percy: What about cracking open a cold milkshake? Fizz: As we all know, the milkshake brings the boys to the yard. The presence of the boys is a prerequisite for the cracking open of a cold one, but cold ones do not have any inherent boy-attracting abilities. Milkshakes, however, do. Fizz: All else being equal, the boys would proceed to the milkshake yard. While it is possible to announce the presence of cold ones in the hope of attracting some boys, the pull of the milkshake is much more powerful by comparison. Theo: ... Neptune: ... Clive: ... Percy: ... Fizz: Mind you, all of this nonsense hinges on whether or not the boys are back in town. Clive: Plants have feelings too?! What is this? Now I can't have food! Theo: You can eat a rock. Neptune: Air. Percy: The fabric of time and space. Fizz: Chugging a bottle of bleach can solve all your problems. Clive: You guys are not helpful. *The gang's thoughts on stabbing* Theo: Would never stab anyone. Fizz: Would stab someone in retaliation. Neptune: Yells "I won't hesitate, *****!" first. Clive: Would stab without warning. Percy: Would stab as a warning. Clive: I swear to god I'm the only one here with a braincell. Theo, Neptune, Fizz, and Percy: ALL HAIL the keeper of the sacred braincell! (this is very true, clive is the only one with actual braincells /hj) Theo: What's the scariest horror movie you've ever watched? Fizz: IT. Clive: Annabelle. Neptune: Paranormal Activity. Percy: High School Musical. All throughout high school I was scared that everyone was gonna randomly get up and start singing and dancing, and I would be the only one who doesn't know the words. Neptune: Are we really going to let Theo keep Clive? Fizz: We kept Percy. Theo: So oxygen went on a date with potassium, it went... OK. Neptune: I thought oxygen was dating magnesium, OMG. Theo: Actually oxygen first asked nitrogen out, but nitrogen was all like NO. Percy: I thought oxygen had that double bond with the hydrogen twins. Fizz: Looks like someone's a HO. Neptune: NaBrO. Clive: I'm done with all of you! Theo: What's the worst thing you guys have done? Fizz: Rickrolled my teacher in 4th grade. Clive: I kicked Percy in the shin- Percy: -So I kicked Clive between the legs. Neptune: I burned a town down. Theo: What?! Percy: What the hell is wrong with you?!? Neptune: A lot of things. Clive: No ****. Percy: I’ve done a lot of dumb stuff. Theo: I witnessed the dumb stuff. Fizz: I recorded the dumb stuff. Neptune: I joined you in the dumb stuff. Clive: I TRIED TO STOP YOU FROM DOING THE DUMB STUFF! Neptune: How do you connect with a fictional character? Clive: What? Percy: What? Theo: What? Fizz: *pulls up a 500 slide presentation* I'm glad you asked. Percy: Good morning. Neptune: Good morning. Clive: Good morning. Theo: You all sound like robots, try spicing it up a bit. Fizz: MORNING MOTHER*****RS! (this is very in character for fizz) Clive: Anyone d- Theo: Depressed? Neptune: Drained? Percy: Dumb? Fizz: Disliked? Clive: -done with their work... what is wrong with you people... Percy: What’s something you guys are better than Theo at? Clive: Mario Kart. Fizz: Yeah, video games. Neptune: Emotional vulnerability.
Clive: What makes you all smile? Theo: Friends and Family. Fizz: Snacks. Percy: Victory and success. Neptune: Face muscles. Percy: Fizz is a strings kid. We must sacrifice him to the band gods. Theo: Yes. Neptune: You're right. It'd be a good initiation for me. Fizz: Wait, guys, what about the truce we signed- Theo: What truce? Percy: *sigh* The truce that we must destroy all the choir kids and leave the strings alone. Clive: Wait, I'm a choir kid! Everyone else: *prepares for sacrifice* Clive: What does “take out” mean? Theo: Food. Percy: Dating. Neptune: Murder. Fizz: It can be all three if you’re brave enough. Theo: *visiting the squad* Hello, I just came to- Theo: *sees Percy shoving Clive into the washing machine while Neptune records and Fizz watches* Theo: *retreating* Something suddenly came up. Theo: Look guys, I need help. Percy: Love help? Clive: Financial help? Fizz: Emotional help? Neptune: Help moving a body? *Everybody looks at Neptune* Neptune: What? (very in character. amazing) Clive: If you took a shot for every time you made a bad decision, how drunk would you be? Theo: Maybe a bit tipsy? Percy: Drunk. Fizz: Wasted. Neptune: Dead. *Everyone is giving advice to Percy* Fizz: It's okay to ask for help. Theo: You're not a burden. Neptune: Murder is okay. Clive: Your feelings matter. Fizz: So don't panic but one of us is possessed by an owl.... Percy, Clive, and Theo: ... Neptune: ..Who? Fizz: That's the thing we don't- *Everyone stares at Neptune* Theo: Guys… the principal just called— Percy: It was Fizz! Fizz: It was Clive! Clive: It was Neptune! Neptune: It was me! Neptune: Uh, Percy? Fizz is in the pool and I don't think they're waterproof. Percy: What? Clive: I think they meant, Fizz is drowning. Percy: WHAT?! *Meanwhile* Fizz: *is drowning* Theo: OH MY GOD, FIZZ! KEEP SWIMMING! Fizz: I can't swim, dumb***— *sinks* Theo: FIZZ! Theo: Ah, yes. Here we have a beautiful couple... Fizz: I really care about your feelings! Neptune: I really care about YOUR feelings! Theo, turning their head: ...and then there's the disaster couple... Percy: YOU NEED TO PAY MORE ATTENTION TO ME INSTEAD OF BEING AT THE HOSPITAL! Clive: I WOULDN'T HAVE TO SPEND SO MUCH TIME AT THE HOSPITAL IF YOU STOPPED INSISTING ON FIGHTING EVERYONE WHO COMES WITHIN A FIVE FOOT RADIUS OF YOU! (fizz and neptune aren't dating lol there's a 5 year age gap, they're 14 and 19 lmao) Clive: Who the **** broke the toaster? Theo: It was Neptune. Percy: It was Neptune. Fizz: Neptune broke it. Neptune: Neptune: ...yOU PROMISED- Fizz: What do rainbows mean to you? Theo: Gay rights. Percy: There's money. Neptune: The sign of God's promise to never destroy the whole Earth with a flood. Clive: It is an optical phenomenon that separates sunlight into its continuous spectrum when the sun shines on raindrops. (clive and me share this trait of stating the facts lol) Neptune: Clive is late again. Fizz: How did this happen? I called them at 8 o’clock this morning and pretended it was 11. Percy: I printed up a fake schedule for them saying we were starting at 9 instead of noon. Theo: I set their clock to say PM when it’s really AM. Neptune: Oh boy. We may have overdone it. *Clive bursts through the door* Clive: WHAT TIME IS IT? Clive: Okay! Let’s play Kiss Marry Kill! Clive: First who would you kill? *Theo points at Percy* *Neptune points at Percy* *Fizz points at Percy* Percy: *shrugs* I would kill me too Neptune: You're a lying piece of ___! Percy: Oh yeah? You're the idiot that thinks you can get away with everything you do, WELCOME TO THE REAL WORLD! Clive: I'm leaving and I'm taking Fizz with me! Theo, gathering cards: Aaaaand that's enough Monopoly for today. Fizz: Hey, let’s mess with Neptune, guys! Percy: Hey, Neptune, your momma so fat- Neptune: My mom committed multiple war crimes and is now locked in solitary confinement in a Bolivian prison. Theo: Well, uh- your dad- Neptune: My father left when I was two to be captured and consequentially sacrificed by a group of feral ferrets. Percy: The ____- Clive: Well then... Fizz: Stop, Clive! Clive: Your grandparents so- Neptune: My grandmother floated into the sky like a balloon with too much helium when my grandfather spontaneously combusted. Neptune: You cannot best me, mortals. (very in character. i love this)
