Okay, so we're doing this (gender + sexuality)

Instructions

Here we go. I guess I'm doing this. _______________________________________________________ Disclaimer: I'm about to be talking about my identity and orientation. If you are homophobic or anything like that, just leave. I am really not in the mood for that. _______________________________________________________ 01: Sexuality and orientation This is one of the hardest things I have to think about, and it's even harder for me to talk about it. My sexuality. Yes, I make gay jokes all the time, and talk about being attracted to women, but when I am being serious and just saying it, I do struggle. I cover up my stress about it with jokes and meme quotes, because in all honesty, it scares me. I remember when I was very young, my mother would tell me 'when you find a man', and I would say 'or a woman?' But it didn't mean anything back then, I was just a kid, right? Then I got older, and it got more confusing. Some days I would wake up thinking 'today is the day. Today I will come out' and then I wouldn't. I would stress that, if I did say that I was a lesbian, and then I changed my mind, I would be letting everyone down, and that was not a good feeling. I kept looking for people that I found attractive and then thinking 'do I actually like them, or am I just telling myself that so that I can believe it?'. I was worried for so long, and in some ways I still am sometimes, that I am just telling myself these things, telling myself that I found girls attractive, because I 'wanted to be special'. I found myself trying day and night to find boys that I was attracted to, because that was 'how I should be'. But that isn't right. I can't just switch off what my brain was telling me. I can't just 'be straight'. No one should be forced to, and I shouldn't have been forcing myself to. So yeah, I still have no idea ~sad laugh~. But that is for me to work out on my own time, and to do because I want to be who I am, not because I want to feel 'normal' or 'grown up' or 'interesting'. If some one was to ask me, I would say 'i am attracted to girls, but don't try to mess around, cos that's all you get to know right now. Because on the surface, I don't really know either. My mind is telling me something deep down, but I an just not ready to share that yet. And I don't need a whole lecture on 'oh, your only 13, you don't need to make any decisions yet' cos I'm not. I just need to vent about this, and I can't do that to any of my family. ((Plus, I have no care for what some random homophobic 4 year olds have to say, so I have nothing to lose here.)) _______________________________________________________ 02: Gender orientation This one is a bit more straight forward. I am a demigirl. Or at least I am right now. I don't know what my future holds, but unlike my sexuality, I am okay with putting a label on this one. I remember growing up, I hated pink, I hated dresses, the whole deal. People would say 'clothes aren't gender specific' and 'your just a tomboy' and I totally believe in that, wear whatever you want!!, but that wasn't it for me. I do feel like a girl, I am happy with how I look, I love myself and all that, but something was missing. I felt like not doing makeup, and I felt most comfortable in baggy clothes. Whenever someone first met me, and called me 'they' I just felt happy. I don't want to be called by just they though. I feel like a girl, but I want to be non binary too. Maybe one day, I'll be one of those two, or maybe something completely different! But for now, that is what I am happy with _______________________________________________________ This is probably the most personal I am going to get without adding in jokes or references for a long time, so I hope you enjoyed it or whatever! Lord that was long. Sorry if you didn't want to have to endure a confused teen ranting about their feelings, but it's what you got so idc. I just needed to vent.