vent , sorry , I just need to put this somewhere ig tw ... I try not to think about it too much but sometimes it just. hits me and when it hits me it hits me like a train!! I feel so physically sick rn,, and im crying and i want to fall asleep and wake up somewhere else where i dont have to think about it but i blame myself for what happened. and i hate that i blame myself, but i do. if what happened HADNT happened, i wouldnt have been able to keep them!! my two beautiful, sweet and playful boys that i love so much. but... i loved her too. and shes gone now, and shes never coming back, for all i know. for the rest of my life im gonna be wondering where she went!! where both of them went!! they just disappear and im never gonna know what happened and i want myself to get hurt or worse because it's MY FAULT its my fault that theyre probably dead!! ...no, theyre definitely dead. i try to think that someone else found them in the rain, cold, malnourished and alone. found them, took them home, and nurtured them. that theyre somewhere safe. but that means theyre not mine anymore and i cant stand that. but then my mind wanders and imagines bad things, horrible things that could have happened to them. and i want to say what they are but im too scared to tell anyone because i hate feeling this selfish and weak! this is so different from anything ive ever experienced. it hurts so much more than anything ive ever felt. and its stupid because theyre just cats but they werent just cats, i loved them so so much and I KNEW we should have NEVER started letting them outside!! because now theyre GONE and its my fault. i love and miss you both so much, Aero and Dyna. you were both too amazing and i took you for granted.
