pronouns ∼ they can be complicated. 1] when someone tells you their pronouns, it's not a choice. you don't have to be supportive of the lgbtqia+ community in order to call them by the correct pronouns. pronouns aren't a preference. they are an identity, and you need to respect that. when someone says, "my pronouns are they/them," you don't get to say, "whatever, she looks like a girl, so i think i'll call her a girl." NO. i cannot emphasize that enough. no one can decide what the standards of each gender are. heck, there aren't even any. you get to decide how you look, how you dress, what pronouns you use, everything. my non-binary friend was wearing a skirt this one day (and they ROCKED it), and someone behind us said, "why is that boy wearing a skirt?" um, where do i start? first of all, DO NOT. ASSUME. GENDER. (section two is all about not assuming pronouns, which is different, but please bear with me and read it.) you cannot, absolutely CANNOT assume gender. EVER. this is so disrespectful and toxic. i understand if you make a slip, but you can correct yourself and apologize. this person was just being straight up ignorant. (advice - if you want to know someone's gender, ask if they are comfortable with answering first.) second, don't make gender roles. just don't. it's wrong and makes people feel bad about themselves. limiting things to gender roles is just upright…stupid. GENDER ROLES AREN'T REAL. people might make you feel like they do, but seriously, you can do whatever you want with your body. we've kind gone off topic from the pronouns, but moral of the section: when someone tells you their pronouns, you USE them. [2] when in person, online, or just anywhere, don't assume pronouns. seriously. if you're not sure about/don't know someone's pronouns, use they/them when referring to them, or just use their name (if possible). in person, it's the same. there's not excuse. you cAn'T judge someone based on their looks. if someone with long hair and a dress walks by, you don't just say, "oh look, that girl has a pretty dress." NO. please replace she/him (when you aren't sure of their pronouns) with gender-neutral pronouns. and don't refer to them with a gender. please. and you might think if you're using the wrong pronouns, the person will tell you, but that's not true. assuming pronouns makes people think badly about themselves and it also makes it hard for people to stand up for themselves. i, personally, am confident and not afraid to stand up for myself/my friends, but that's DEFINITELY not true for everyone. also, to clear something up: it's different when people say "all pronouns" and "any pronouns." when people say "all pronouns," you should ask what they mean by that. they could either mean they don't care which pronouns are used for them, or that they want an equal mix of all pronouns. if in that case, you should also ask which ones (and if they are comfortable answering). like, my sister's friend uses all pronouns, an equal mix of she/him/them, but THAT IS NOT TRUE FOR OTHERS. and, if someone says they use any pronouns, that generally means they don't care which pronouns are used for them (STILL ASK THOUGH). but that does not mean you can pick out their gender OR assume it (that's a whole other topic, though, so i'll just focus on this one). in short: don't assume pronouns, and use gender neutral ones (or none at all) when you're not sure which ones they use. [3] !people don't have to be limited to one pair of pronouns! for example, i'm agender (for now) and use the pronouns xe/xem or they/them. you can also use both for me! i'm fine with both. anyways, lots of people use more than one pair of pronouns, and you should know which ones! (of course, if they aren't comfortable sharing, DON'T press. that's very toxic and insensitive to their feelings.) a couple people in my class use she/they (going back to what i said about myself, and a lil bit of what was said in topic 2, always ask if they want either or if they want both). and, my friend uses she/they. basically, what she means is that they want both. she told me she had told her ELA class they wanted she/they, but everyone kept calling them by "she." (including the teacher!) it had felt really toxic, and she didn't know how to stand up for herself. (remember, it might be scary to stand up to a teacher, parent, or just generally, adults, but you can always give them a reminder of your pronouns.) and what i mean by both pronouns is that you can switch between pronouns in sentences. (*ahem* ASK THE PERSON FIRST!) like, as you may have noticed, i used "she" in some sentences and "they" in others, and both in still others. EQUAL mix. but some other people in my class just want one or the other, and they don't mind which. basically, ask people who are comfortable sharing what pronouns they use, and be respectful if they use more than one pair. if you relate to any of these situations and have a different pov, feel free to reach out! - sevvie
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