(TW's in desc) Unfair +MEME+ (VENT)

Instructions

TW: Flashing Lights, Social Anxiety, Depression, Implied Committing The Act Of (OOF)ing Oneself, Bullying, Implied Trauma If any of these trigger you, I would advise clicking away. I know I'm in a better spot now than where I was, but, what if I mess up and everything falls apart? What if I end up getting bullied again and no one even cares to help me? I don't even want to remember it right now. The laughter, the insults, the constant fear of being ridiculed if I showed any weakness at all. I just want to take them all out of my head, shove them in a box, and bury them so deep they'd be neighbors with the remains of the dinosaurs. But I can't, and even the smallest "Are you okay?" sends me into tears, but I say "I'm fine," because I don't want the other person to know that I'm not okay, because most of the time, I don't even have a good reason to not be okay. Then again, it was MY fault, MY actions, and MY choice to threaten to beat the ever-loving daylight out of anyone that even let out so much as a giggle. I don't even know why I'm sharing this with strangers on the Internet, instead of just talking to a DARN THERAPIST LIKE I'M SUPPOSED TO! Obviously, I'm gonna get comments that boil down to just telling me to stop faking it, but this is how I actually feel. But is it? Am I just faking it for views and clout? I don't even freakin' know at this point. I just wish I was "normal," so I don't have to deal with all this crud, thinking that I'm just some broken display trophy that needs to be fixed. Who cares if I'm "smart," or "creative," or "funny," when I can't even go out in public without fearing that I'll make a fool out of myself? I mean, back then, no one cared that I was getting bullied until I straight up got punched in the face. Before that, NO ONE DID ANYTHING. But that's the point. I've been trained to think that in this world, if you're suffering, no one is going to care until it's too late. Because no one cares about you unless you're pretty, or rich, or special, or popular. But if you're not as beautiful as the next person, or if you're weird, or if you're just uncool, they just let you suffer. For years, just like I did. But then again, it's not about me. There are people out there that have gone through much, MUCH worse than I have, and I'm just making them feel invalid, when I'M the one that's invalid here. I've never been hospitalized for my mental conditions, nor have I been abused in any way that I am aware of. But there are people that have, and I'm sorry if I'm making myself seem more important. But I can't stand looking in the mirror most mornings, because I don't want to see the absolute abomination staring back at me. And there are people in my life that do genuinely care about me, and I just shut them out, and I wish I could tell them about what I'm going through, but they'll probably just hate me for it. All in all, I'm messed up, and I wish I wasn't, and I wish I could forget the awful things that happened to me. Thank you for listening, I appreciate it.