ventdontclickonthisok?

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sep 19 2022 I uh- I might kms so obviously i won't be on if I do, it's just i feel so weird and i don't wanna feel like this anymore, the things I face at home and school and even online make me sad..... thank you to everyone who put up with me or followed me or even starred and hearted any of my projects, I just feel like it's not worth living anymore- it's not any of your guy's fault- unless you bullied me or something Oct 20 2022 I feel like I'm being forgotten again, or at the very least ignored and made people annoyed of me for some reason- I just, well not everyone applies to this of course and you know who you are, wish I could make new friends but every time I try I'm nervous and I scare them away,I guess I'm......too weird? people say I'm good at stuff when I'm not and everyone knows it, like soccer since I know I suck,I had to take a year off and now I lost everything that made me special, all the trauma of my dad making me practice for hours on end was all for nothing- and singing part- my choir teacher says I'm so good I could get a scholarship or some money for it, everyone says I'm good, and I'm not........i try to make everyone happy but I feel like I'm not meeting their standards, my little brother isn't making me feel better too, and they get mad at me when their mad at something else, like if my mom just had an argument I would ask what's wrong? or something like that, and he just says "I've seen your ugly fat face"..........and It makes me feel very very bad........I just- I try so hard to make everyone happy, I think the reason he's like this is because of my "dad" since he's acting just like him, even using very very similar things he said, and I don't think I can handle beings his punching bag anymore since I'm everyone's venting ground including my mom and used to be a dad i just, sometimes i feel likes there is no reason to keep living anymore,i cant feel much emotions so i pretend,i cant sleep well because sometimes i feel like I'm being watch or i keep seeing things, my mom brushes it off saying its prob something I watched when i know that's crap........or maybe I'm going crazy......i don't know,i cant do my work since i cant focus on it and i zone out when i need to pay attention like when someones venting to me,i don't mind people venting to me because i forget easily but-......whenever i try to talk they don't listen,they take out their phones or try and change the subject to something "positive" i cant keep pretending I'm ok so no one worrys anymore......i- i want to di3 but i need to care about other people but i don't they should be the reason i don't di3 but their not,i don't feel bad for anyone anymore Fri,jan,6 2023 I don't know what to do,sometimes i get this really weird and kind of upsetting feeling of watching my body go through life,i don't know what could of caused it,maybe it was my dad always talking so nice to me when everyone else has gone out,i don't like going out sometimes bc I'm so mentally and physically tired,but of course i would never tell anyone that.and my dad making me feel bad for him isn't helping,he's saying he will care for us and that the only reason he is so "Bad" is bc he just cant be the nice one, there always has to be a "balance" but IDK,ig he's right,uuugghhh i hate how he makes me overthink everything about my life,i just want some normalcy. it was better when i just took my dads crap and just was oblivious to what was happening to me,i was......so much happier than what i am today,sometimes i just wanna........dissapear- and i don't mean ended life i mean just.......going away for a while,being able to process things and not think in peace,but that wont happen,I've shared a room in a small apartment my entire life.thats because i cant sleep by myself for some reason Monday April 3,2023 I missed to bus because I left my mask at home, my mom got mad and was venting to me about how I need to have everything ready the night before, which is true, but I was just so tired and sad last night and I didn't even think about making sure the one thing I prob need the most isn't in my jacket pocket, she didn't yell or hit me, which I didn't understand, my dad would of yelled and prob hit me, but she didnt- after she vented in her normal but annoyed voice she apologized, I didn't know how to deal with that, I started crying as I left the car to walk into school I tried to stop and by the time I made it to the cafeteria I did manage to, just my eyes were still watery and red. one of my friends asked me what was wrong and I said nothing, no one said anything after that. they just continued with their day and laughing and having fun. after everyone else left my other friend asked me if everything was ok. which of course they did they didn't even say hi to me and just talked about their day, after everyone else that was happy was gone they had nothing to do than to "see if I was ok" and "be a good friend" or whatever they tried to accomplish