THIS REVIEW I FOUND ON THIS AWFUL MOVIE ITS THE FUNNIEST THING IVE SEEN/READ ALL DAY
This film is the best thing I’ve ever witnessed. The acting was impeccable. The special effects were so real that, for a moment, I was convinced that the directors had revived an actual velociraptor just to film this movie. The props were so well made that I screamed at the end, unable to tell that that head in Doug’s hands was not actually a man’s head. But really, the best thing this film did, was give me a reason to stay alive. When I was young, I was diagnosed with chronic depression. It was brutal, and life became a dull, grey blur. I had no reason to exist in this world; I had no purpose. It hurt to wake up in the morning, to breathe, to live. Everything hurt, until I watched The Velocipastor. I have a reason to live now, and that reason is The Velocipastor. I have never been more moved by such a film. Thirty minutes in and I was crying on the floor, all the pain that has built up over the years leaving me in an instant, simply because of how realistically the characters were written. My depression has been cured. I’ve never felt happier since watching this film. I’m a believer now. God is real and he is The Velocipastor. I’ve opened my own church, just to one day be able to reach the spiritual levels of this movie. I plan to undergo extreme plastic surgery in order to look exactly like the Velocipastor. I adore this film. It is my only reason for living. This movie is genius in every way possible, with brilliant writing that will touch you to your very core and make you wonder, ‘what am I doing with my life?’ Because really, what have you been doing with your life if you haven’t watched this movie yet; if you aren’t watching this movie everyday for the rest of your time on Earth. I’ve left my husband for this film, for it is infinitely better in every way. At my church, all we do is watch this movie. I wholeheartedly believe that we could burn all books and replace them with written copies of this film, and educate far more people than we ever could before. This movie is not just a movie. This movie is not just a cinematic marvel, but a way of living. Every morning I wake up and I BREATHE like The Velocipastor. I go to the kitchen and EAT like the Velocipastor. I go to church and PREACH like the Velocipastor. We are one, the Velocipastor and I. We are two beings who breathe the same air and share the same thoughts. Soon, if my plastic surgery is successful, we shall share the same skin. This film is all you could ever ask for, truly. Your hopes and dreams will be crushed and revived again throughout the entire film’s 70 minute run time. You will look at humanity in a new way, with new eyes because this film is so powerful it will rip your eyes from your skull and replace them with new ones. You will cry when you watch this, when you realize that Doug is not who he seems, once you truly understand the tragic history shared between him and his brother. You will seize in your seat because of the sheer power of the outstanding editing. You will ascend past the point of greatness the moment the film has ended and the credits roll, because now you have witnessed the peak of humanity. This film is the greatest thing ever made. Please, watch it, and live the lifestyle of the Velocipastor _______ An amazing work of art. It had me hooked in the first few minutes when there was a spectacular VFX explosion of a car. It then proceeded to mesmerize me with superb acting, a profoundly deep plot line, and subtle directing that provided a haunting sense of "what comes next" when watching the movie. The frames when Doug turns into a dinosaur were so convincing that three software engineers at Dreamworks committed soupoftheside on it's opening night. The Vietnam War flashbacks were so convincing that I swear I smelled Pho when watching it. This movie also pays a great deal of attention to detail. From the realistic 1967 GI Timberland boots on the American soldiers to the surgeon having Carol recover from her life-saving procedure fully dressed in a primary care practice exam table, the producers maintained perfect accuracy in every minute detail.
