Hhh I need feedback pls I'm submitting this for a contest and I really need to know if it's good enough-- The night was still and quiet, and not even the bugs were humming. I looked around, chewing on my knuckles. I didn’t like this. Lilliana was behind me, her long black hair falling across her dark eyes. “Ash? Why aren’t we going?” “I’m waiting to see if the sky will turn pink,” I muttered sarcastically. She frowned. “Wait, really?” I heaved a sigh. “No, silly. We’re waiting for the next guards to pass by so we can sneak in so we can steal the artifact back and claim the reward money.” Boots trampled by our hiding place, and I peeked out. “Okay. We’re good. Come on,” I whispered. We slid from the shadows, our cloaks helping us blend into the darkness. Lilliana, of course, wanted to run ahead and barge in. I had to restrain her with one hand while I felt for the secret entrance with the other. Stones shifted beneath my fingers, and with a loud creak that I was sure would give us away, a round door cut into the rock slid open. I stared into the endless gloom that lay ahead, then before I could lose my nerve, I slid in, half-dragging Lilliana behind me. The tunnel seemed endless, stretching on forever. But nothing is infinite, and after what felt like all eternity, I found a metal grate. It was slick and slimy with moss and other things I didn’t want to think about. I groped for my file. Lilliana shifted impatiently behind me. “Ash, why is it taking so long? Hurry up!” “Shut up,” I hissed, sawing at the bars. She grumbled something under her breath and sat back. The thin metal bars gave, and I wriggled through. Ahead lay the intricate network of the headquarters we were about to enter. Then we were going to steal something back from the best thieves in the world. I rubbed my sweaty palms, hesitating. It wasn’t too late to turn around and run, was it? Lilliana spoke up behind me. “Well? What are you waiting for?” She glanced at me, her body tense with excitement. “Come on, Ash. You know how much this means to me. If we can get the artifact, we’ll be heroes. Not to mention the reward money. Imagine! We can…we can…well, we can have enough to eat, for one. And pretty clothes, and–” I placed a hand across her mouth. “Hush,” I whispered. “Daydream later. Let’s just focus on what we’re doing.” Lilliana scrunched her nose at me. “That’s what I was doing, Ash. Honestly. Lighten up.” I shoved my face close to hers. “We’re sneaking through the headquarters of the most dangerous group in the world, about to steal from the master thieves. Now is not the time to ‘lighten up.’ We don’t even know where we’re going.” “I do!” Lilliana chirped. “Can’t you feel it?” I scowled. “Feel what?” She shivered, her eyes fixed on something ahead of us. I didn’t like the way she was acting. Could it have something to do with the artifact? I chewed on the knuckles of my hands. Lilliana giggled quietly. “You know. The song. And stop eating your hands, Ash. You’re so weird. Why can’t you just nibble your fingernails or something, like a regular person?” I made a face at Lilliana. “Fingernails are gross and unsanitary. But we’re not talking about that, we’re talking about this mysterious thing you’re feeling.” She began to sway back and forth, her hair rippling through the air like a river of gleaming oil, a dreamy smile on her face. “The song. It’s so beautiful.” I almost started to chew my knuckles again, but changed my mind and tugged on a strand of my choppy black hair. “I don’t hear anything but your nonsense babbling,” I said. “I don’t like this. I think the artifact might be affecting you. Let’s just get out of here.” Lilliana began to rise, but I pulled her back down. I was seriously scared. This wasn’t supposed to happen. Had she lost her mind? Her lips began to move, humming along with a silent melody. “Okay, that’s enough. We’re leaving right now,” I ordered, forcing the fear in my voice down. Lilliana’s lips trembled. “I don’t wanna leave,” she protested. “Please, Ash. Let’s just get the artifact and then we can run away. We can’t leave the song behind. It doesn’t want to be trapped. Being trapped makes it sad.” I rolled my eyes skyward. “Songs don’t have emotions, and if you keep this up we’re definitely leaving it behind, sad or no.” Lilliana nodded, and we began to creep forward again. I was relieved that she’d dropped her music nonsense. We would nab the artifact, run out of there, and turn it in to the officials. Lilliana was right about the reward money, we could really use it. Suddenly, though, before I could react, Lilliana jumped up and started running. I grabbed for her, but she was already gone, laughing as she flew through the halls. At this rate, everybody in here would know we were trying to sneak in. I mumbled a plea for my sanity and followed my idiot sister. (cont. below)
I caught up with her quickly, forcing her to the ground before she could wriggle away. “What were you thinking?” I hissed, anger bubbling just beneath the surface. Lilliana’s lovely eyes flashed thunder and lightning at me. Gone was the silly, giggling girl. This person would do anything to reach her goal. I tightened my grip on her. “Get ahold of yourself, Lilliana! You’re acting like a madman. Stop running about like a fool and follow me.” She broke free somehow, rushing ahead. I had no choice but to run after her, wishing in vain we’d never heard of the artifact. Finally, she slowed, and I took a moment to catch my breath, doubled over and gasping. She turned to face me, a pleased smile on her lips. “Look, Ash, I found the song.” It was only then I saw the pedestal in the middle of the room, and on it the artifact. My first impression was of something incomplete. The smooth black thing on the pedestal was only half of what it should have been. Lilliana was gazing at it lovingly. I caught her hand as she stepped forward, my warmer skin tone dark against her pale wrist. She looked at me with confusion, as though not sure why I was restraining her. “Come on, Ash,” she said. “What are you waiting for? Can’t you hear the song yet?” Then she twisted away and reached for the artifact. At her touch, a single note rang through the air. Then, as though an invisible barrier had broken, music poured forth. It was like thick frosting, rich and full and cloyingly sweet. But as beautiful as it was, like the artifact itself it was incomplete. I knew Lilliana felt it at the same time I did, and I watched as she opened her mouth. I tried to speak, tried to stop her. But my warning words were swept away, blending into the swirls of harmony that filled the room. She hummed along, then she really started singing, her voice providing the missing part of the song. The music throbbed and swelled, and Lilliana’s smile was wide even though tears leaked from her eyes. No, leaked was the wrong word. Waterfall was more like it. And the tears left black trails on her skin, swooping and twisting in a design I didn’t know, but one that I shrank away from. It was wrong–it looped in all the wrong places, swirled the wrong way. I wasn’t sure what the right way was, but the network of black on my sister’s skin was not right. Her eyes, which had closed, snapped open, glowing with white light. The song grew louder and louder, harsher and harsher, until I was curled up on the floor, my hands over my ears while I screamed. The artifact floated off the pedestal and over to Lilliana, who reached out for it. Somehow I knew I couldn’t let her touch it, couldn’t let her finish melding with the artifact. I didn’t know how or when I got up off the floor, but I was there, standing between Lilliana and the ominous black thing, shielding her with my body. I struck her to the ground, and she stopped singing for a moment, the breath knocked out of her. I took her place, and took up the song. My voice cracked as I tried to sing as she had, my hands shook as black spiraled across my own skin. The artifact didn’t seem to notice that the singers had changed, or to care. It floated towards me just the same. I took it as Lilliana had meant to take it, felt the fire that Lilliana had been meant to feel. Felt the shadows pierce my heart that would’ve pierced Lilliana’s. The music ended, and I felt the floor beneath me again. Everything was hazy, but I blinked my eyes open, saw Lilliana bending over me, felt the tears she was crying. Ordinary tears, one that merely wet her face. I felt a dim sense of thankfulness that I had intercepted the artifact in time. She shook me, tried to heave me up so I could stand. “You have to get up, Ash,” she whispered. “They’re coming. Ash, why did you do it? Ash, please answer me!” I managed to smile, then fell back to the ground. Lilliana clutched me tight, rocking back and forth. “Your hair, it’s white now,” she said, stroking it. “I never liked it when it was boring black anyway,” I said, laughing weakly. Every breath hurt, but I kept breathing, knowing I had to keep going for Lilliana’s sake. “It’ll be okay,” she whispered to me, and I noticed the markings on her skin were gone. That was good. “I’ll fight them all if I have to, but I will save you. We’ll make it out of here. I promise.” I nodded and closed my eyes, waiting for our certain doom. haha my sanity is in pieces now *thumbs up*
