IBDB Episode 18

Instructions

I REMEMBERED THIS TIME I had to tell myself a lot though uh-- the things that needed to be said were said I wasn’t in math. I hadn’t been in math for at least several days. Neither had Rowan, but I was sitting right next to him. As usual. He had hardly moved from the fireplace, because his skin got covered in a thin layer of ice whenever he was away from any source of heat. I had come to sit next to him, watching the flames intently, complete silence. Fire gets me in a trance. “… When did you quit?” I was able to free my throat, but I couldn’t tear my gaze away from the fire. “Maybe a week ago. A bit longer.” His voice was dull—had been since he showed up here with his sister. His sister’s name was Percy. She was helping Corrupt with dinner now. “I didn’t expect any backlash from it. I thought I would be rid of him.” “He’s like that. He’s always like that.” I sighed and shifted on the carpet, managing to glance over at him. He was staring, but honestly that didn’t seem as big of a deal anymore. Though I couldn’t look at him for long because his eyes were full of such sorrow that I felt guilt just sitting near him. Guilt for what? Being one of the causes he quit his job? We sat in silence for a bit longer, only punctuated by the crackling and the occasional instructions of Corrupt to Percy from fifteen or so feet away. “… I’m sorry.” “I know, Rowan.” I could hear him take a deep breath, letting it out shakily, slowly. “No, I’m… I’m sorry. I’m sorry I took that job, I’m sorry I listened to him, I—I’m sorry I—” Hesitation. “… I’m sorry.” I couldn’t tell if I was silent because of the fire again or because I actually had a loss for words. He had apologized before. I knew he had, although he’d never specify what for. … Sure, his apologies had been in different contexts, like when he accidentally bumped into me on the way to his seat. But all his “I’m sorry”s had been much too sincere for just brushing me in math class. I was still silent. So he continued. “I’m sorry he took you back to Estuary. And I’m sorry I’m… needy. And clingy. I’m sorry I constantly try hard to talk to you in any situation, and I’m sorry we sit next to each other in math, and I’m sorry I’m here, right now, taking up your water and your food and your money and your time, I’m wasting your time, I’m sorr—” “That’s a lot of unnecessary apologies.” I wasn’t looking at the fire anymore. Instead I watched a single tear slip down his cheek, his posture slumped against the wall, his head halfway down. He was avoiding my gaze. He was breathing heavily, nearly hyperventilating. “Half of these aren’t even your fault. And I’m starting to think half of these aren’t even… bad things.” I startled him into looking back up. The tear had made a trail through the dust on his face, a pristine streak against the rest of the dirt on his cheeks. “W-What?” “I’m—I’m saying I consider you somewhat of my friend, Rowan. Was that not obvious?” I gave him a small smile. He returned it, though his was shakier, more hesitant. “I’ve… it’s crossed my mind before. I mainly just shrugged it off.” More silence. Just for another few moments. “… Is it really true?” I laughed, moving to sit against the wall next to him. He was closer to the fire. He needed the heat. “Why wouldn’t it be?” “Because I basically let my boss kidnap you and take you to the place you never wanted to go back to so I could talk to you?” “… it’s in the past, isn’t it? I can't blame you for what he did." He beamed a bit more. “If you say so.”