… With 2 billion people in the world… only about 9% make a huge impact. Im assuming. Maybe less. Probably, actually. For singing. For acting. For sports. But no one I know, for their personality. Celebs may have a great personality, but the only thing people mainly see is talent. Looks. There could be a guy from, who knows where. So nice. So friendly. But no, great talents. Or good looks. And that guy? He’s 91% of the world. Im 91% of the world. I’m 91% of the world. Most of the time I feel like I’m 1%. That dum 1% thing that everyone hates. Everyone smiles at her, hiding disgust in the inside. I’ve felt so insecure lately. My looks. /I used to be skinnier than this. Does that mean I’m fat? Do glasses make me look like a nerd? Why does it make me look so… out of the group in my class picture? Am I actually out of the group? No one knows where I’m from. They think I’m something else. Is that bad? Would it be better to be from a more popular/common country?/. My reputation and personality. /I’m so, awkward. Am I too weird? Do a I want a bit too much attention? Is my humor weird? Sometimes people side eye me like I’m talking gibberish. Do I make too many mistakes? I messed up in art, I smushed my clay together to restart right before class ended and put it to dry without telling the teacher. My orchestra teacher stopped the whole song because I was so tired and I just watched everyone while they were playing without playing myself./ And I don’t know where, what, or who am anymore, and I don’t even know what I’m saying at this point. I’m just saying words. Words that are so, twisting. Turning. Tumbling in my brain, and it hurts so much I just want to crumble onto the floor, my hands in fists and scream my heart out until I get the courage to stab myself. Which I want to do. So bad. But I just can’t. I just don’t know why anymore. I’m just probably making everyone feel worst now. I just… I’m sorry. I just… I just really wanted to get this out. I don’t need to. I want to. Maybe that makes me selfish. Honestly, I really don’t know. And there I go. Drowning again, in those swirling dark waters. Screaming, and nothing coming out. Wanting to die. Basically dying. But not dying. Never dying. Just the slow, slow, slowly dying. Slowly into insanity.
