[ Trying out new POV/Self-Roleplay Style ] I was sitting under an oak tree's trunk just barely outside camp boundaries, looking out into the wilderness. There were other trees, just like the one I was next to, along with many piles of vibrant crimson leaves covering the ground like a flood. Most were already turning brown, the air chilling the outer layer of my fur. The scene would be beautiful if not for the warm salty tears blurring my vision, spilling onto the leaf litter, shiny and bright against the evening sun. I was a girl. I was a she-cat. I was born a female, I would /be/ a female. But then, why did I get a sinking, icy feeling in the very pit of my belly whenever someone referred to me as a "she"? I could feel it, everyone in the Clan could hear my thoughts, they would judge me, all my friends, all my family, they would be supportive, but deep down, maybe even surface-level, they would judge me, they would judge my gender, they would say I was a female, they would say I was a girl and would always be a girl, I would be alone, just as I was in that damp hole I sometimes still have nightmares about, only Angelfishpaw would be close to me, but maybe even he would abandon me- I curled into a ball, sobbing, gasping, choking, tears soaking my cheek fur that was usually impossible to tame. Why was I crying? Stop crying. You're brave, and everyone loves you, and brave cats don't cry, come on, stop it, stop it, stop this dramatic show, you're so whiny. I was drowning, suffocating, I couldn't get enough air. I knew I had to calm down, to take deeper breaths, but those horrible gender feelings kept me wheezing. The Clan would hate me, why was I not a girl? I was a girl. I'm a girl. A girl. Girl. Girl! GIRL! Oh, but you're not a girl, a voice in my head said, tinny and echoing, faint against the rattling sobs I continued to produce. But I am! I argued back, and the inner voice retreated. I was a girl. But I didn't feel quite right when others called me a girl. Being a girl is a part of me, something that's important to my life, what defines me. But I felt like something was missing. Was I a boy? No. I didn't like being called a boy. That felt wrong, utterly repulsive, but I didn't like being called just a girl, either. What was wrong with me? I had continued crying, pathetically, the entire time I was contemplating my confusion. I was lightheaded, but somehow my eyes still managed to produce more tears. I continued on, gasping and sobbing, and oh, everyone can hear me, they're judging me, judging me, judging, judging, judging, they know I'm nothing but a girl. I want to be a girl, but I don't want to be! Oh, but the inner voice said, in my ear, there are other genders in the Clan, aren't there? I inhaled sharply, and my lungs were so used to lack of proper oxygen they started coughing. They were burning, choking, trying to compensate for the sudden rush of air, but my mind wasn't focused on that. The voice in my head had given me an idea, almost as if it had planted it in my brain. There were other genders, not just girls and boys, in the Clan, and noone seemed to judge /them/, they were perfectly accepted, and some of those seemed right to me, like a puzzle piece waiting to be found. There were genderfluid individuals, but no, that didn't seem right. I liked a stable gender. There was agender, but no, I still liked being gendered. Transgender? I choked out another sob that must've been building in my throat. No, being a boy was just wrong to me, it didn't fit. Nonbinary? The idea was appealing, but I still felt a connection to feminism. I didn't want to be a girl, but I still liked ideas of it, the idea of pink, the idea of kits, the idea of dainty, graceful cats. But that was the best idea I had, and I liked the idea of being nonbinary. I would use they/them and see how it worked, maybe. A sudden panic filled me, making me flinch in its intensity. What if people /wanted/ me to be a girl? They would judge me, force me to be something I didn't want to, they would- But that is ridiculous, the voice said again, taking away the panic more effectively than honey on a sore throat. Many of your family members are queer, and your friends too. They will accept you. I felt the tips of my muzzle lifting up, and I dried my eyes on my paws. I would deal with the guilt of being 100% a girl today. I would talk to my brother about how to deal with this, then my Da, then maybe announce it publicly. Today, I would be nonbinary.
