my main concern rn is my eating habits. first, only a couple years ago, i literally ate when i was bored most of the time- and then most of this year, i just ate in big portions. one time i ate so much it actually hurt to breathe. ive gotten so full it makes me actually hate myself. but now.. since i think last week? i havent been eating enough. ive gone to sleep hungry more than ever. i just dont ever have an appetite, i guess. im not even doing it consciously- i just.. dont eat as much. and i hate it. i hate it, but it feels so terrible to be as full as i always got before this, i havent even eaten lunch pretty much all week, and... i surprisingly dont feel like i want to eat more? also, dysphoria and trans stuff is a thing. its all really basic stuff for me,,,, ive tried getting over the stuff people say to me, and when the kids at my school deadname me i just deal with it. but it doesnt help that people still want to be so rude to me for existing. however.. this leads to another part of this vent (which i actually wasnt planning).. i just feel so annoying to all my classmates. maybe they do have a motive for misgendering and deadnaming me. and maybe i am annoying. maybe im that kid that you only sometimes like. bc ive gotten looked at so aggressively by the kids in my class,,, i feel like ppl hate me.. i do have friends, but im not even gonna see those friends at school next year, and besides, theyre not even that nice.. one of them is totally my best friend rn. i love him so much that my other friends thought i had a crush on him (but its all platonic). but i feel like a jerk to him. in fact, i feel like a jerk to so many people. i dont want to be a bully, but maybe i am... im just a loser that doesnt care about how other people think... and another thing. right now, im questioning ny romantic attraction because.. i just never know when i have a crush or not.. even my first boyfriend (and the only one ive had so far) - i didnt know if i liked him as more than a friend, or as just a friend. bc he was amazing to be around. i loved him. and i wouldnt mind being his boyfriend.. but i wasnt actively persuing it. and then again with my other friend (kai), the one that i love so much my friends think i have a crush on him. when my other friend told me they thought i had a crush on kai, i seriously stayed up until 1 am on a school night trying to figure out if they were right or not. i dont think ive ever had a real crush. im starting to consider being aromantic bc of it. is this too crazy of a jump? cuz like- dggags i do like people, i will date people, etc. i just literally cant tell if i want to be friends or more than friends. if you have any advice, please, i really need it in the comments, but keep in mind a simple "youre not a bully! youre a rly nice person!! ily /p" wont make me feel better. OH HAHAAHAHAHAHAA OHHF BOY THIS IS GONNA B FUNNN I HAVE TO DESCRIBE THIS WHOLE SITUATION WITHOUT CURSINGGGG *deep breath* so uh.. i was doing a couple roleplays with someone - snow - and it was rly fun. we did a wings of fire roleplay, and there was all this cool stuff, and we made a roleplay universe, with magical people and gods that gave those ppl magic, blah blah blah. i also have a google doc filled with funny stuff,, but the kind of funny stuff that wouldnt be allowed on scratch. lots of curse words and, uh.. idk how to say it.. 'biological gender' jokes. in the least, its something i dont think your parents would be happy to find out youre looking at. i shared that doc with snow. and, uh.. a couple weeks, maybe months later.. today... i checked our roleplay to find out.. her mom saw the doc. and now snow couldnt roleplay. either with me, or at all, but i think the second option is more plausible, unfortunately... im so mad at myself. i hate myself for sharing that stupid doc. just for laughs. just so i could show some other people all the stupid jokes i make with my friends and family. and now they cant roleplay anymore. its all my fault. its all my goddamn fault. and they were at least 15, so why the hell is their mom so upset that they were laughing at 'inappropriate jokes'???? "This is Abi's mom. She is no longer allowed to role play due to the inappropriate file that was shared. She wanted me to let you know." its all my fault. its all my fault. its all my fault. its all my fault. now imagine how my parents would react to finding out that their 11 year old son, me, made that doc. im so excited for that /s. now i dont have her to roleplay with.. and ig it wasnt thAT important to me, but i still feel so bad, because im sure it was important to them...
art was made by me in like 1 min on vector
