Status update...

Instructions

S-so uh...just a little status update- A little bit on how I'm feeling right now...if anyone cares...if you feel like I'm just asking for attention and being a drama queen...then don't read this-... Ok...time to begin I guess...- I met someone amazing over a week ago...Jake (@Xx_Dragon_Kitty_xX) is the most amazing and sweet boy I have ever met...and I was so happy (when I'm with him...I am always happy...), then life came back around to kick me in the @ss, because that's what my life does best... Jake makes my life a whole lot better...as do my amazing friends... I'm surrounded by so many amazing people... But then...there's me...this-this...person who doesn't really belong there... They're all so great...then there's me...I'm not nearly as great as them... I'm so lucky to have my friends and Jake... I'm so afraid that I might lose Jake...that I'm not good enough for him...same goes for my friends... I had a dream last night...I woke up...and all my friends had left me...they all told me how terrible of a person I am...the truth about me...and honestly...it's happened so much...this dream...that I'm starting...s-starting to believe...that...it's reality... Questions keep flooding my head... Is this who I am? Who am I? Am I good enough for them? Where do I belong? Do I fit in here? What am I doing? Why do they even stay with me? What do they even see in me? Am I who I think I am? Do I deserve them? How did I even get them? What do I do with my life? Why do I even deserve life? Why can't I just d13 already...the world would be better off without me anyways... These questions roam about in my head all day every day...and I can't shut them off... Lord knows I've tried like h3ll to think of the good and not the bad in me...but...I guess that's just something wrong with me... Voices tear my soul apart with their crucial and brutal thoughts...could the reason I'm hearing these voices be...because they're people who know the truth about me...? What if those voices are right? What if I am who they say I am...all they ever seem to say is... "You're only what god intended you to be. Definitely nothing more, and nothing less." "Just leave them, you don't deserve them, and they certainly don't need you." "What the h3ll are you doing?! Thinking you're good enough...yeah sure. You're just a girl in this world, accept it." "You're a lot of things, but anything involving something that's actually good, isn't included in those things." "Why don't you learn to just shut up, you don't need to talk. Only bad things come out of your mouth." "Just grow up, stop living in a child's fantasy world where you think you're actually someone great and wake up to reality!" "Pretty? Who ever called YOU that? Whoever said that need glasses." "Hah please, you don't belong in this world." "Maybe if you focused less on others and more on yourself, you'd see that you're not putting enough effort into the person you are." "Monster, that's all you are, a rotten monster." "Sh^t, you're out of your mind if you thought you were cut out to be a girlfriend." "Lord, I feel bad for the man who has to call you his girlfriend." "You??? He got together with YOU?" "Just stop thinking you're a great person when you're just another spec of dust in this world." "YOU'RE NOT HELPING ANYONE!!! You're just suggesting, and that only ever hurts." "Stop worrying about others and just shut the (duck) up, stop sticking your nose in everything. I know you think you're helping by doing that, but you're not, you're just hurting those around you...but on the other hand, that's all you know how to do." A-are these true...? I'm starting to-to believe they are... I'm so sorry for everything... Pain is just a word huh...? If that were true...then why does my heart feel like it was crushed by 1000 stones...why does it hurt so much...? Why can't I sleep at night? Because that's when the voices come out...torturing me for what I've done...mocking my every move... That's when they try to shut me down and tear me apart, l1mb by l1mb. That's when they shatter my heart...when they destroy my sanity... This is how life is now...I guess I just have to move on and accept this... I think I really need help...I've been depressed for a long time now... I didn't want to tell everyone...because I didn't want them to look at me like this depressed sack of shame... I wanted them to look at me like...I'm a good person...but I doubt anyone see's me like that... I've been...a bit on edge lately...and a bit angry...sorry to those who have had to put up with it...I hope you understand this is why I've been mad... This time of year...isn't my favorite...December...was the month I met the girl who...broke my heart... I gave her my heart...told her I cared for her so much...protected her at the risk of myself...held her hand through the high and low...cheered her up when she was down...tried to win her heart somehow...but she just...she...backst me...